Canadian Idol

So I went and tried out for Canadian Idol this year. They came to Calgary so I thought I'd go and see just how badly I could embarrass myself on national television. To be fair, though, it's not like anyone actually watches the show. So, with my massive balls and boy band voice in hand, I drove out to the auditions. Despite what you might think after watching the show, there are actually a couple of auditions before the TV audition. I know that some of you are now wondering the same thing I was after I found out that there were two rounds of auditions before the TV audition in front of the judges - How in the shit do they get those really awful people all the way to the end. You know who I'm talking about, the people that are there solely for their "entertainment value", like that random flaming guy that sang Madonna, or that guy who sang Celine Dion in a breathy cracking falsetto, or the infamous William Hung... what a knob. Well I don't really have an answer for you folks, all I saw was the results. About 1300 people auditioned in Calgary, and most got cut in the first round. How did these people make it past the first round, when you're singing in front of 4 other contestants and 2 random judges in a tiny room in the middle of a mall? How did they not realize as they sang, by looking around at the tortured, red faces of the other contestants, that they were destined to become television cannon fodder? I simply don't know. Someone must have told them a lie so convincing that they actually started to believe that they were good singers. "Yeah man, you're great, you've got a great... entertainment factor". If, in any part of my auditions, a judge had said the words "Entertainment factor", I would have left immediately, not only out of fear of embarrassment, but out of respect for everyone in Canada who might watch the show. This would also explain why the worst singers in the world go into the TV audition with all the confidence in the world - they've already passed two auditions, they must be awesome, right guys? Wrong. They suck. But the good thing is we all get to SEE THEM SUCKING.

So after waiting two hours to do my first audition, I got a ticket to the second audition, and after moving from trailer, to other trailer, back into the mall, through the mall to another trailer, and finally into one last trailer with some judges in it, I got through my second audition as well. All in all, the two audition process took about 10 hours. Unfortunately for Kelly, she came along with me and had to sit in the mall all day, since despite my most sincere efforts to figure out what the HELL was going on, I was given no more information than "Huh?... Oh. Yeah I dunno". Basically, Canadian Idol was run by the equivalent of a Mexican special olympics army: Not only was everyone who worked there retarded, nobody even knew where they were or what they were doing. Some of them were drooling and falling asleep standing up. Every time I asked someone how long the wait would be, or why the numbers they called into the second audition were in absolutely no order whatsoever, I would get that same special olympics stare of incomprehension - did these people even speak English? No, they didn't, because they were a Mexican special olympics army. Fantastic.

There were a few bright moments throughout the day, like when the 4 foot 3 inch guy with the white gloves, top hat and yellow glasses got through to the TV round. I wonder how many times he heard the words "Entertainment factor" that day? His journey would not end well, but that's a story for another... paragraph. Also, I made a couple of friends and we have plans to start playing some music together, which would be great since my guitarist is in Scotland. He's probably drunk right now the bastard. I wish I was drunk. It would make analytic philosophy a little more interesting, especially if I passed out and pissed myself.

........ Anyway, they told us to head to the Palliser hotel at 7 OCLOCK IN THE MORNING on Tuesday, for orientation and a pep talk from the judges. On Tuesday, at 7 OCLOCK IN THE MORNING, we arrived at the Palliser and were ushered upstairs into a waiting room, where I and the 59 other remaining contestants sat down and awaited their orientation and pep talk. But first, we were told that McDonalds would be catering our breakfast that morning. I was so happy I could have shit my pants, I think I DID shit my pants, and as they started pulling McDonalds bags out of huge boxes, I thought to myself that I could get used to the glamorous world of showbusiness. You don't even have to go to McDonalds to get McDonalds. McDonalds COMES TO YOU. Shortly after this revelation, my enthusiasm was severely curbed when I grabbed a bag and found nothing inside but a muffin. No people, not a sausage and egg McMuffin, or a sausage McMuffin, or a bacon and egg McMuffin, or even just an egg McMuffin; a regular god damned bran muffin. 3000 calories and it doesn't even taste good, what's the sense in that? Where's the justice, is there no justice in this world? What in the hell is going on, McDonalds is catering breakfast and we get NOTHING BUT MUFFINS? You have got to be kidding me.

As for the auditions, another 60 finalists had gone the day before, and the judges had stern words for us. Basically, they told us to suck way less, and be way awesomer, and that if they said things that were... well, heinous and rude and made us want to cry and kill ourselves, it was just for TV so there was no need to take it to heart. Despite these warnings, most people that didn't make it had a look of absolute shock and embarrassment as they came back out of the audition room. Some were tremendously angry, others cried a lot and swore at the judges. Now THAT is entertainment factor. Oh, that reminds me - the 5 foot 3 inch guy with the white gloves and top hat and strange yellow glasses? Yeah, he got completely rejected. He came out of the audition room to meet his wife and FIVE LITTLE KIDS and he looked like they just made him watch 24 consecutive hours of the Ellen Degenerate (Spelling?... :D) show. He was so upset that he stormed out, herding his children like scared little sheep, as his wife followed, embarrassed and ashamed. Yeah, now that's... entertainment... factor? Uhhh....

As much as I love watching people make fools of themselves and bitch and cry about how unfair everything is, there were a few moments when it really felt like they were going over the edge of reason and humanity. Then again, my audition group did produce a William-Hung-like performance of Asian origin, which I'm sure will be one of the Calgary highlights. I think he sang "War, what is it good for", although honestly it was hard to tell what the hell he was saying. Awesome. All in all it was a pleasant experience, even though I waited a total of about 18 hours with random people in malls and small stuffy rooms, and I'm really glad I did it, although I don't think I'll do it again. At least I had Kelly there to support me and make me look good. She's hot. Maybe you'll see me on TV when it airs! I had my favorite shirt on, they've got to show that.

Oh right, I almost forgot... my audition. I went in there and gave it my all... for about 10 seconds, before someone blurted out "I'M A NO" followed by another almost simultaneous "I'M A NO." The next thing I heard was a huge black man asking "Is that really your tone?" Since I didn't actually have any idea what that meant, I suggested I sing another song to woo the judges. I sang Home by Michael Buble, and shortly into the song Sass Jordan said "Maybe YOU should go home." And so I did.

Spiker