I Am A Loser

During my time in driver's education at AMA, I learned one thing above all else: I am a complete loser. After spending 18 long, long hours with 20 other people, all of which were either 16 or 55, this is pretty much the only knowledge I've gained: I have wasted my life. Don't get me wrong, the in-car lessons were pretty good; I got to hear my east-indian driving instructor "Sharma" say the same 6 things over and over again, like he was administering some kind of slow torture. But then I realized that he's used to teaching 16 and 55 year olds, and this is probably the only way to impart any kind of knowledge on these people (I bet even God was stupid when he was 16... And by the time you're 55, you've lost half of your brain cells and you're mostly just waiting to die). I can literally still hear his voice whenever I park, switch lanes, or go through a yellow light. At this point, I am 100% sure that his voice will internally criticize my driving until the day I die.

Who waits until they're 24 to get their graduated license? Who does that? I could have gone in when I was 16 and gotten my full license, before society lost all faith in underage drivers and decided to give them no privileges whatsoever. Hey, at least we're not as bad as BC. In BC you have to put up a huge sign on your back window that says "I am the worst driver ever, fear for your life", and the sticker stays there until you've been driving for about 25 years. Way to be proactive, BC. How about instead of making ridiculous blanket statements about all new drivers, some of which are much better than people who have been driving for 20 years, they simply make driver's education mandatory, so that people actually know what they're doing from the start? Maybe then people wouldn't be driving blindly by other cars which are stopped at crosswalks.

You know what else might be a good idea - giving right of way to cars instead of pedestrians. I know most of the people reading this (If anyone actually reads this) probably think this is a stupid idea, but that's because YOU'RE actually stupid. You're welcome for letting you know. Here's the thing about pedestrians having the right of way: It's simple with cars, if you don't have the right of way, you yield to whoever does have the right of way, and if someone messes up this little task, then you get a car vs. car collision, and the person who shit the bed gets blamed and they pay a bunch of money (Either to the other guy or to their insurance company, eventually) to get things fixed.

Seems fine with cars. Doesn't work so well with pedestrians. The pedestrian has the right of way, so they start crossing the road at their crosswalk or street corner, and the cars are supposed to stop to let them go. But, just like the first situation, sometimes people shit the bed and don't yield the right of way to the pedestrian. But then... there's a pedestrian vs. car collision. And this just isn't the same as a car crash, as we all know from watching the news this last week. The driver, who is the one who shit the bed, has to pay to fix whatever they hit. But for some reason, the pedestrian isn't interested in collecting the insurance information and license number of the driver. Maybe this is because they just got HIT BY A CAR. If the collision isn't the same, then why are the rules the same... Seems to me that if people didn't have the right of way, they'd be a lot more careful when crossing the street - "Hey, I could get hit by any one of these cars!". As it turns out, people SHOULD be thinking this all the time, because when you get hit by a car, it just doesn't matter who's fault it is.

Well that was morbid. Okay, I've got some more lighthearted stuff for you. Unless you're a Christian. Then it's not your day at all. The other day I was in class when someone sneezed, and about 15 people simultaneously said "Bless you" to this one person. Of these 15 people, I'm assuming that at least 1 of them was atheist or agnostic. Why would you say bless you if you're not into all that mumbo jumbo? Maybe people think it's just a convention, but as any of you who've seen the "You're soooo good lookin"Seinfeld episode know, it's completely senseless. I wonder if these people know exactly what they mean when they're saying bless you? Do they know that they're literally trying to ward off evil spirits from entering a person's soul through their nose after they've sneezed? Good old Christian idiocy. And do you think that if people were conscious of this, that they would stop saying bless you? But then there's this problem of what the hell else to say after someone sneezes... because you feel like you've got to say something, but if you don't want to say bless you, what are you gonna say? Gezeunteit? But then people will think you're German, and we all know most Germans are secretly Nazis, so no one really wants to say Gezunteit. So what do we say? And why do we even feel like saying anything? Why is sneezing so special as to warrant special attention from other people? Typically, when you perform a bodily function in front of other people, either you say something, or they say something, or there is a very awkward silence.

Take farting for example. The response to a fart is situationally dependant. When I fart accidentally in public, and that fart is distinctly audible, I say excuse me. If the fart isn't distinctly audible, I might not say excuse me, but if someone did hear it then there's a very awkward silence. Or if I'm farting comfortably in my own house, it is probably the case that someone else will comment on my fart, and I will then typically give them information about how my farts are smelling that day, whether or not they should be covering their nose, etc. Burping is similar to farting. Also if you both burp and fart at once (I have dubbed this the "Man function"), the results will typically be the same, although they will be aggravated. Coughing seems to be about the same; if I cough in public, I will either excuse myself or say nothing, and if I cough too much and still say nothing there is an awkward silence. So why is sneezing so different? Many people do excuse themselves after they sneeze, but if they do so, there is invariably a response of "Bless you". What the hell is the difference? Why are other people so much more concerned with sneezing than with farting or coughing? I don't think there's any good reason to think that a sneeze is more important to people around you than a fart is. In fact, I'd say that the opposite is the case, especially if you've been eating a lot of Mexican food and your colon is in a state of frenzied overdrive. Farting, in this case, could be very "important" to people around you.

Here's my proposal people. Either quit saying bless you when people sneeze, or start saying bless you when people fart. There's just as much chance (maybe more?) of a demon entering your body through your relaxed, farting ass, as there is of a demon entering through your nose after you sneeze. Personally, I think I'll choose to stop saying bless you altogether, especially given the embarrassing and elusive nature of farting. And since I can't think of anything more appropriate to say (If I tried "you're sooo good lookin", and a fat ugly pockfaced woman sneezed on the bus... what to do then? What are you going to do, tell her she's good looking? She'd probably slap you), I guess I'll just have to condition myself to be OK with saying nothing after people sneeze. My future children will thank me for teaching them the right way.

Spiker

PS - Congratulations to Kevin Federline for being the first person in history to actually sell out DURING his 15 minutes of fame. Incredible.