This Post Is About Pooping. You Have Been Warned

What's the only thing more awkward than walking in on your parents doing the horizontal polka? Taking a shit in a public washroom when there are other people there. You must know what I'm talking about. You go into the can, and there are a couple of guys in there, one is peeing, one is washing his hands, and no one is talking. This is not a place where one makes small talk. "Hey, aren't you in my phil 343 class? I recognized your shoes. Yeah, good shoes. So ummm... yeah, what are you... up to? Yeah, taking a crap hey. Me too. Okay, well... good luck. Knock em dead, hahah.... eeehhh.... sorry...."

You walk into a stall and take off the 17 layers of clothing you put on every morning to protect you from the wonderful Canadian climate. You sit happily down to drop the Cosbys off at the pool, as you would in your own home, and suddenly you're in the middle of a social nightmare. What if I fart really loud? Will anyone recognize that it was me who farted? Of course they'll know it was me, how could they not? Well, unless it's so loud that it just sounds like it's coming from everywhere at once, like a concussion grenade. I mean the acoustics of the toilet bowl make it sound WAY louder than it really is, I'm sure people know that right? Or maybe they don't know that and they'll think I'm the loudest farter in the world, and they'll pretend to be washing their hands until I walk out of the stall so they can get a good look at my face. Maybe I could just stay here until they're gone... But what if they fake leave, like make pitter patter footsteps towards the door and just open and close it? And then they'll see my face and they'll tell EVERYONE that I'm the loudest shitter in the entire universe, even if it's not true, and I'll be so ashamed I'll have to move to Tibet and meditate for the rest of my life in an attempt to gain a mind over matter control of my flatulations.

You know why it's so awkward? Because it's completely silent. You can hear absolutely everything. You can hear not only the grunts coming from your watercloset neighbour, but sometimes you can actually hear the contractions of his sphincter. THAT'S how quiet it is. Have you ever been taking a radical deuce in a public washroom and suddenly some loud noise fills the bathroom; maybe it's one of those hand dryers that they use instead of paper towels (I hate those things, just kill the trees), or maybe it's the ventilation or heating system kicking in. I bet you, if you were in that bathroom and you heard that sound, you shat as fast as you could to make sure you were done before the noise was over. Don't try and lie to yourself; you've been there, you've done that. The noise is just enough to muffle the sweet sounds of your delicate (or not so delicate) pooping. It feels as though a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders, and not just because you lost 1.5 pounds: You were able to enjoy your poo because no one was able to hear it.

I'm not really sure why we're so embarrassed about our pooey noises. Maybe it's an irrational fear, but it's surely the truth. You can probably fart in front of your girlfriend, and it's probably funny to at least one of you (We know who that one person is, don't we fellas), but you can't take a poo in front of her - that's why the bathroom has a big, thick door. But you can't even cut fat turd when she's in the shower. I mean, unless she doesn't know. But then you've got to be all careful about your pooping and make sure it's quiet and then you have to pretend you're blowing your nose and putting the tissues into the toilet, so you can actually flush the it. Anyways, the point is clear; pooping is just an event that cannot be joyfully shared with other people.

It's an easy fix from here, folks. Music in public bathrooms. I would enjoy my time spent in public bathrooms so much more if I could take dumps under cover of some kind of music. Even if you unleashed a loud one, you could pretend it was just part of the song. "Oh yeah," you might say, "that's the Terrance and Philip remix. Yeah it's weird hey?" This would not only make public bathrooms more useful, but I argue it would also decrease the total stress load of most everyone with a social conscience. One less thing to worry about - just let 'er rip!

You know what, I just wrote a whole blog about crapping in public washrooms. I think I'm going to put a disclaimer at the top... Yeah, I'd better do that. Happy pooing, people.

Spiker