The Best Analogy Ever

I'm taking driver's education right now, with the AMA. They're real blood sucking bastards. People keep telling me the course will pay for itself in the long run, what with the reductions in insurance; but what about all the time, the personal pain and turmoil, the sheer annoyance of it all? Irreconcilable. That is, until last night's class.

Last night, our instructor told us a most amazing story. Before I pass this amazing information on to your open and receiving minds, I must tell you that I did not initially believe this story, as I'm sure you will all understand after reading it. After digesting what I will gleefully write in just a short time from now, you will understandably be asking some serious questions: How is it possible that such a thing occurred? Surely the forces of the universe should have undergone some metamorphosis simply to have averted this occurrence. Is there no God whatsoever? Or is there just a God who likes a good laugh now and then: Some floods, some disease, and this. Don't allow yourself to be mislead - this story is one of biblical importance. In fact, this may be the one story which is even less believable than the bible. But the fact of the matter is that the story is true. She showed us the details. There were papers with numbers and letters on them, concretely affirming the seemingly impossible reality to which we had just been exposed. There is no escaping the truth, no matter how incoherent and unreasonable it may seem. Let me weave for you a complicated tale of immense stupidity. This is the story of the most ignorant person in the universe.

A woman, who shall remain nameless (But only because I don't know her name) was helping her sister move, and was making trips back and forth between her sister's old house and her new house (What a nice person, you might be thinking: But for this, you may feel the urge to slap yourself in the face after reading the rest of this story. I wholeheartedly support and condone this; everyone needs a good self-slap now and then). You know what, let's give her a name, just for posterity. I think Jacquaze (Pronounced jah-kwaz) will do. Jacquaze was driving between the two houses, and speeding excessively I might add, when a policeman who was parked by the side of the road pulled her over and gave her a ticket. The officer sent her on her way, knowing that he had made society a little bit better that day, maybe even saved some lives. A good feeling filled him as she drove off to wherever she was headed, now in far less of a hurry. We cannot blame the police officer for what happened that day. It was not his fault. Had he known what was to occur, he might have acted differently. But every ounce of reason and sensibility in any sane person compels us to deny the possible outcome that became reality on this fateful day. There is just no way she could be that stupid. But on this day, there was magic in the air (And by "magic in the air" I mean "excessive carbon monoxide in her brain." It's the only explanation).

Just a short while later, Jacquaze was pulled over again for speeding excessively. By the same police officer. At the exact same place. He gave her another ticket and, while wondering if mayonnaise might have a higher IQ than this woman, again sent her on her way. The third time he pulled her over (Still at the exact same spot), he felt strangely guilty, like he might feel if he was stealing candy from someone with downs syndrome. He let her know that he would be there all day, and that there was really, honestly, no need to come speeding through here again because she would, unavoidably, get pulled over again. This fact probably would have convinced many of us to slow down when passing this same spot the next time. Perhaps we would just pick a different route. Maybe we would let someone else drive; it's just not our day! In fact, one could argue that even single celled protoplasm could have learned not to speed on this section of the road after two tickets, no less after three. But Jacquaze was special. So special...

The fourth time she was pulled over, the police officer must have been looking around for Candid Camera vans and hidden lenses inside the car. I cannot even imagine the incredulous look on his face as she pulled over once again at his behest. His expression must have been a mix of amazement and disgust, coupled with a heavy dose of complete and utter despair.

The fifth time was his breaking point. He simply told her to leave and never come back. The age old question is answered - policemen CAN get tired of handing out tickets. What would you have done? Tickets and logical reason having fallen lightyears short of piercing Jacquaze's metaphorical 10 inch composite steel skull, what would you have done? 4 tickets and she comes back for a fifth. Well, I've thought long and hard about this, and I know exactly what I would have done. I would have shot her. I would have taken out my trusty policegun, and confidently aimed at her and shot her to death. Does this make me a monster? Someone who has no regard for human life? I argue that my care for human life is the exact reason Jacquaze should immediately have been killed. Before you take pity on Jacquaze, hear me out.

Pretend you are walking in a field and you see a horse lying on the grass. Being a horse enthusiast, you go over slowly to make friends with the animal, maybe figure out whether it's wild or tame, male or female, etc. Your dreams of rodeos and evening trots down the beach are cut short; as you approach the horse, you notice that it has a badly broken leg. You know, being a horse enthusiast, that this horse's leg is damaged beyond repair. Unlike sparky the three-legged-dog, or spot the two-legged-with-a-roller-thingy-dog, this horse will never walk again. You feel pity on the horse, which is obviously in some pain and will not die for some time, his internal organs apparently still functioning normally. You have a gun (A trusty policegun!) and you have a choice to make: Should you end this horse's life? You know that it would probably be better to kill this horse; it would quickly end what would turn out to be a long and gruesome death, a struggling and utterly tragic end to such a majestic life. I think most of us, in this case, would kill the horse, or at least agree that killing the horse might be the best thing to do, even if we don't think that we, personally, could kill a living thing. We might want to call the local wildlife officer, who would then come out and end the horse's suffering.

This is exactly why I would shoot Jacquaze. She is obviously a non-functional being. Some vital part of this being's fundamental process of existence is flawed to the point where the being can no longer function to an adequate level; Jacquaze's cerebral cortex is completely non-operational. To ease the suffering of the entire human race, and to remove her from the gene pool before she reproduces (I have prayed to any God that will listen in hope that she has not yet done so), we must end her life. Just as the horse's existence after breaking its leg is one of pain and suffering (The horse now brings greater pain to the world as a whole than it brings good), the existence of Jacquaze brings a great measure of pain not only upon me (So.... much.... pain...), but upon planet earth and probably the entire universe as well. For the good of all that exists, Jacquaze must be sacrificed. It's easy to see the good in ending the life of a living thing to its own benefit, so why not end the life of a living thing to the benefit of the entire human race? If this means one little life lost, then so be it. A life of ignorant impudence is not a life worth living.

Well, there's my politically incorrect statement for the week. Maybe for the month... But cmon, my argument is pretty good, isn't it?... Ah well. I hope she's a reader.

Spiker