Pud and the Funny Chart

The other day, I was eating a cordial breakfast with some old friends, at a nice little diner near my house. The fact that this diner was near my house does not make me lazy. At the end of the sumptuous meal, we were given the bill (Damn!) and also some customary sweets, to help end our excursion with a sugary bang! You know... you get those little candies with the bill, and everyone immediately grabs the tasty fruity ones, and some poor bastard comes back from turd cutting to find he's been stuck with the only green striped peppermint candy. He feels like crying, but he knows it was his own mistake for not being at the table when the candy got there, it was his own damn fault, so he concedes and reluctantly scoops up the peppermint candy, while shooting glares across the table in any and every direction. let's quickly get something clear. You might think that I am of the opinion that the peppermint candy is only bad compared to the tasty fruity candies, or you may in fact be ludicrous enough to actually pretend to like peppermint candies (Because no one actually likes peppermint candies), but if you think any of this garbage you obviously have your head in your own ass because the taste appeal of peppermint candies is on par with that of a freshly minted slice of shit. But, on this particular day, there were no peppermint candies (much to my delight), instead there were 4 of those little dubble bubble gums with pud comics inside. Initially, this was also personally pleasing to me, although I did take note of the unorthodoxy of this after breakfast treat.

All 4 of us rifled open our individually wrapped double bubble gums, and began chewing away noisily, contented with our full bellies and sugary treats. A problem was soon discovered. The flavor of Double Bubble gum lasts as long as Eifel 65's musical career - it is instantaneously nonexistent. There is an initial glimmer of flavor, and then absolutely nothing - you may as well go outside and chew on the tires of your car. By the way, for those of you who have mentally blocked out any memory of Eifel 65, congratulations, and you should skip the next sentence to prevent any relapse of your former knowledge, since having no knowledge whatsoever of the musical wasteland that is Eifel 65 probably makes you a better person. For those of you who are deranged enough to want to know more, and haven't already googled it, you might remember the song "Blue", a horrendously annoying techno abomination in which the awful, nasal lyric line consists simply of "Da Bu Dee Da Bu Dai".

I think the only band worse then Eifel 65, is Chumbawumba. Enough said.

But at least now you understand just how bad the gum is. Unless, of course, you are unfortunate enough to like the aforementioned song, in which case you should seek mental help immediately. There is help for you, it comes in the form of a frontal lobotomy. meanwhile, at the diner we all sat there imagining how close the chemical makeup of this gum could be to that of asphalt, and realized that there was more to this gum than met the eye! Yes, a comic! How had we ever forgotten? Perhaps we were daydreaming, lost and reminiscing of our childhood, full of five dollar allowances and five cent candies. More likely it was the instant chemical coma induced by chewing on the flavorless rubber gum. But the comics brought us back to life, and we opened them up and each read them silently to ourselves, with the intention of reading them aloud to each other, and enjoying them together. Welcome to mistake number two.

Two words - Train wreck.

Did you know that there are over 1600 pud cartoons? Did you also know that 0% of those are funny? I think I might firebomb some houses if I could find out who wrote those comics, or maybe I could just send over some poisoned gum on Halloween, for the sheer irony. All jokes aside (Whew the readers say, they were about to call the FBI... wait, we're in Canada...), these comics are the worst attempt at comedy I have ever had the misfortune of reading. If you enjoy pud comics, you need to end your own life. Hopefully you have not yet reproduced.

But they did get me to thinking - why exactly are they so damn awful? Why do I feel like I'm being punched in the soul every time I read a new one? There's lots of comedic material that's even stupider than these, and far more appealing, and there's also plenty of material which isn't quite so stupid and also exponentially more palatable.

After a great deal of research (And by "a great deal of research", I mean eight minutes on Microsoft paint), I have uncovered the reason for the complete worthlessness of pud comics. I have uncovered the funny function. Pud comics occupy the very bottom of the funny function, meaning that they are completely unfunny. The funniness factor of any piece of comic material can be estimated by its intelligence or stupidness factor using the line of best fit, which has been calculated from millions of trials run on objective humor analysis data. Observe.

http://www.geocities.com/spiker4392/FunnyFunction.GIF

The chart does not lie, people. Thousands of scientists and millions of objective tests cannot be wrong. Pud comics are scientifically proven to suck the lowest form of comedic ass.

So, what have we learned today kids? Next time you see a piece of dubble bubble gum, get out your flamethrower (Or optionally, your rocket launcher) and rid the world of its awful existence. If left unchecked, not only will the gum itself invade your face unsolicited, ruining your taste buds forever, but the insidious pud comics you find inside will ruin your life, causing blindness, coma, and in some cases, severe death. Let this be a warning to all those who believe they are brave enough to tempt fate and risk heinous debilitation by accepting a dubble bubble gum - remember that there is a fine line between bravery and stupidity, and please, think of your families. Oh, almost forgot, happy new year!

Spiker