The Antibeauty Baby / Stuporstore

Imagine the two ugliest people in the universe. I'm talking about people so ugly they make Quasimodo look like america's next top model. Eyes all over the place, fat filling out every crevasse, stained fangy teeth, intensely overgrown toenails, braidable nose hair, etc. Now, imagine them having a child (But don't imagine them conceiving it, because that might cause irreparable... oops, too late). The being created through this heinous act would, I imagine, be a creature so ugly that it would be something akin to beauty antimatter. The child would slither out of its crusty womb, and collide with something beautiful, utterly destroying it, creating an explosion more powerful than 10 million hydrogen bombs. The antibeauty baby would mean the end of the universe as we know it. Such an event must not be allowed to occur. It is imperative that we take action against the perpetrators of beauty. That sounded like something George W. would say...

I'm not really sure where all that came from, but I thought it was funny.

So I was at superstore the other day. Mistake. As I walked through the aisles of the dark, musty dungeon they call superstore, and noticed that every third item was out of stock, I began to wonder why I went there instead of Safeway. Oh, that's right, because Safeway charges 27 dollars for a green pepper. Superstore does have good prices, which, you would think, would make it a better place to shop. But if you think that, then you are mistaken. Price are not all there is to shopping, as we all know. There is this moderately significant entity we like to call customer service. At superstore, customer service is spelled "FUCK YOU". They actually have a huge sign in the store that just says "FUCK YOU". People line up under it to buy cigarettes and return George Foreman grills, but all they end up getting in either case is a Butterbean sized punch in their dignity/self esteem. This is not my idea of a good time.

Every aisle you go down measures about 1.5 shopping carts wide, so that every time you want to pass someone going the other way, one of you literally has to turn around and go all the way back down the aisle and out the other side. Have you ever played the nintendo game Lemmings? This is lemmings with shopping carts, with your little sister playing. An experienced lemmings player will surely lose some lemmings, but it is only at the expense of these poor sacrificial lemmings that the others survive. Your little sister just lets them fall into the lava because they make a fun plopping sound. Superstore is your little sister playing lemmings, but instead of lemmings it's people with shopping carts. We will all surely die in this place, and all of our sacrifices will surely be in vain. It is senseless and infuriating and the worst part is, we go there voluntarily.

I finally got up to the counter, after bludgeoning countless old ladies and small children with a large frozen pack of perogies in order to escape, and the first thing the girl at the counter says is "Oh my gosh, ewwwww, what is that?", pointing at the value meat ends pack I had picked up in the elegant 'meat and cheese' department. "You're going to eat that stuff eh? Grossssss!". Where is Terry Tate when you need him. I wanted to punch this 16 year old teeny bopper right in the throat. While I smiled and said "Oh, well it's cheaper like that...", my mind was in a state of pure, white fury, after enduring superstore for two hours, unable to actually finish one coherent thought before the next cascaded over me, filling me with a homicidal rage nearly impossible to resist. I stood at the counter, silently hating this ignorant girl who should not have left her house without a helmet on. That's my god damned lunch meat you're talking about you shouldn't WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO JUDGE MY LUNCHMEAT there is no reason to make an assessment of my personal WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE LUNCHMEAT IT ONLY LOOKS FUNNY CAUSE IT'S VACUPACKED YOU STUPID I hope you're making minimum wage, that's the only thing that might make me WHERE ARE THE ENGLISH MUFFINS WHERE THE F... "Oh, yeah thanks, I'll pay debit then" THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO JUSTICE IN THE UNIVERSE IF THIS seriously how can one person be so stupid, do they not train you people, are you completely THIS IS WHY THEY HAVE GUN CONTR... "Yeah thanks, no I don't need the rece... ok, yeah put it in that bag th.... ok yeah I'll just grab it then..." I hate you.

I got out alive, but barely. And I forgot lightbulbs... AGAIN. Now I understand why people order groceries online... I think I have post traumatic stress syndrome. But hey school is done, I'm stoked for the summer, aren't you??? YEAH!

Spiker