Mother Nature Part 2 / The 4 Way Shits

Seriously. What is going on with the weather right now? I was out playing soccer in a field like three days ago, then yesterday it was snowing, then today it's -100 after calculating windchill from the hurricane-force winds. What the shit? Make up your mind, March. Whoever invented all that comes in like a lion, goes out like a lamb OR it comes in like a lamb and goes out like a lion crap is just an imbecile. Why am I supposed to assume that lions are associated with crappy weather? Why are sheep associated with nice weather? If so, why the hell do sheep have a massive protective layer of wool all over their bodies? Lions just have a lot of stretchy skin. If you ask me, I'd rather have lion weather all the time... Would you rather sunbathe for days at a time, with nary a care in the world, or would you huddle in packs and literally focus on growing your hair longer to protect you from the cold? Give me lion weather anyday. In addition to the rampant stupidity of the lion/lamb distinction, it seems to me that the adage is just completely false. Or if it's true, it's certainly not generalizable to entire months. But I would be okay with people saying things like "Man, Tuesday march the 27th sure did come in like a lion and go out like a lamb!", as long as they meant by lion that it was warm, pleasant weather for which you only need stretchy skin, and by lamb that it was cold, shitty weather for which you need 40 pounds of wool.

You know what the weather in Calgary reminds me of? There was this commercial a while back, and to tell you the truth I can't even remember what the hell it was for, all I know for sure is that the big line in the commercial was an exasperated person yelling "GOES AWAY, COMES BACK, GOES AWAY, COMES BACK, GOES AWAY, COMES BACK!?!?!" I think maybe it was a dandruff commercial? I wonder if selsun blue came up with this beauty. Or maybe it was one of those weight loss commercials, where you see fat people who always say "I'VE TRIED EVERY DIET EVER, AND I JUST CAN'T KEEP THE WEIGHT OFF", and then they mention some dieting yoyo phenomenon, and then they have the exasperated guy with the goes away comes back stuff. Maybe it was a herpes commercial? It wasn't a herpes commercial, but how appropriate would the caption be? I should make commercials.

Ok, my next complaint: 4 way stops and how badly people suck ass at negotiating them. Honestly, how difficult is it to work a 4 way stop. Have you neglected idiots never been to that little kiddy driving thing out near glenmore park? A 5 year old in a bumper car can master the 4-way stop. I don't understand how there's confusion, although I do believe that the rules are somewhat ambiguous in a non-important sort of way. Like, when people say "Well whoever gets there first goes first", they're really wrong in some cases, because if there is a line of 20 cars going in one direction, and one car pulls up on the cross street, that car gets to go before almost all of the cars in the big line, even though they were all there first. So it's something more like "The car which was first to arrive at the intersection and has no cars in front of it impeding its progress will go first." This is pretty god damned simple. Yet every time I hit a 4-way stop, I know someone is going to completely botch it and ruin the next 5 minutes of my life. This is what it's come to, people - every 4 way stop ruins my life for a short period of time. Exactly how much my life is ruined is dependant and directly correlationary to what idiocy actually obtains at the 4-way stop itself.

Scenario 1: You get there and no one goes, because every driver is stupid and they have either forgotten in which order they arrived at the intersection (intersection hierarchy is KEY here people), or they haven't been paying attention because they were picking their ass, or nose, or scratching their armpits, or behind their ear (People always remind me of dogs when they scratch behind their ears), or putting makeup on, or all of the above. So everyone waits about 3.5 seconds, and then every single person at the intersection (even the jackass who JUST ARRIVED AT THE INTERSECTION AND KNOWS IT'S NOT HIS TURN) starts to go. But then everyone sees that everyone else is going and so everyone stops. Rinse, repeat.

Degree of life ruin: This isn't the worst. Sometimes it's kinda funny, like when most or all of the drivers are over the age of 80, or when there's a pedestrian or two in the mix. Annoying, but only in a general sense, and it only really wastes about 10-20 seconds of your life.

Scenario 2: Two people get there at exactly the same time and no one has any clue who's supposed to go. I guess there are two sub-options in this scenario. Sub lemma A) The two drivers are opposite each other, and one is going straight while the other is turning left. Sub lemma B) One driver is to the right of the other one, and the driver on the left is turning any direction but right (Just visualize you idiots). This is incredible. How is it possible that everyone has forgotten the simple rules that govern these situations? Perhaps this is evidence that there is a God, but that he hates me very much. In sub lemma A, all you need to do is remember that the driver who is TURNING has to yield right of way to the guy who's going STRAIGHT. It's just like any other intersection you impudent sacks. Sub lemma B involves the very complicated rule that gives right of way to the person on the right. Doesn't sound complicated, does it? But it MUST BE overly complicated, because no one understands it. Ok people.... hold up your fat little hands and make little L's and backwards L's with your fat little fingers and thumbs, and then once you figure out whether you're on the right or on the left, either go, or don't go. Wow.

Degree of life ruin: Moderate life ruin from each sub lemma. You would think that the first scenario would be more annoying, but this second situation (including both sub lemmas) is so simple that any failure to correctly function in it is disgusting.

Scenario 3: It's your turn, and some loser slice of shit goes ahead of you, cutting you off, for no reason, and then gives you the finger when you honk at him BECAUSE HE'S A FLAMING PILE OF PESTILENT TRAILER PARK DEBRIS. Does this need any explanation? Is there any explanation that could possibly be given for such an act? What kind of indignant, ludicrous stupidity could possibly account for this act of ignorance? Is it simply that they enjoy the sheer look of amazement on my face as I lose just a little bit more hope for the survival of the human race? I have no answers.

Degree of life ruin: QU'EST-CE QUE LE FUCK.

So next time you're at a 4-way stop, you should probably think about what's going on, and maybe pay some attention to the cars around you, etc., not only because it will help ease everyone's way through this apparently difficult manoeuvre, but also because my mail order rocket launcher will be arriving any day, and I am activating my unlimited ammunition cheat as soon as I get it.

Spiker