So I went and tried out for Canadian Idol this year. They came to Calgary so I thought I'd go and see just how badly I could embarrass myself on national television. To be fair, though, it's not like anyone actually watches the show. So, with my massive balls and boy band voice in hand, I drove out to the auditions. Despite what you might think after watching the show, there are actually a couple of auditions before the TV audition. I know that some of you are now wondering the same thing I was after I found out that there were two rounds of auditions before the TV audition in front of the judges - How in the shit do they get those really awful people all the way to the end. You know who I'm talking about, the people that are there solely for their "entertainment value", like that random flaming guy that sang Madonna, or that guy who sang Celine Dion in a breathy cracking falsetto, or the infamous William Hung... what a knob. Well I don't really have an answer for you folks, all I saw was the results. About 1300 people auditioned in Calgary, and most got cut in the first round. How did these people make it past the first round, when you're singing in front of 4 other contestants and 2 random judges in a tiny room in the middle of a mall? How did they not realize as they sang, by looking around at the tortured, red faces of the other contestants, that they were destined to become television cannon fodder? I simply don't know. Someone must have told them a lie so convincing that they actually started to believe that they were good singers. "Yeah man, you're great, you've got a great... entertainment factor". If, in any part of my auditions, a judge had said the words "Entertainment factor", I would have left immediately, not only out of fear of embarrassment, but out of respect for everyone in Canada who might watch the show. This would also explain why the worst singers in the world go into the TV audition with all the confidence in the world - they've already passed two auditions, they must be awesome, right guys? Wrong. They suck. But the good thing is we all get to SEE THEM SUCKING.
So after waiting two hours to do my first audition, I got a ticket to the second audition, and after moving from trailer, to other trailer, back into the mall, through the mall to another trailer, and finally into one last trailer with some judges in it, I got through my second audition as well. All in all, the two audition process took about 10 hours. Unfortunately for Kelly, she came along with me and had to sit in the mall all day, since despite my most sincere efforts to figure out what the HELL was going on, I was given no more information than "Huh?... Oh. Yeah I dunno". Basically, Canadian Idol was run by the equivalent of a Mexican special olympics army: Not only was everyone who worked there retarded, nobody even knew where they were or what they were doing. Some of them were drooling and falling asleep standing up. Every time I asked someone how long the wait would be, or why the numbers they called into the second audition were in absolutely no order whatsoever, I would get that same special olympics stare of incomprehension - did these people even speak English? No, they didn't, because they were a Mexican special olympics army. Fantastic.
There were a few bright moments throughout the day, like when the 4 foot 3 inch guy with the white gloves, top hat and yellow glasses got through to the TV round. I wonder how many times he heard the words "Entertainment factor" that day? His journey would not end well, but that's a story for another... paragraph. Also, I made a couple of friends and we have plans to start playing some music together, which would be great since my guitarist is in Scotland. He's probably drunk right now the bastard. I wish I was drunk. It would make analytic philosophy a little more interesting, especially if I passed out and pissed myself.
........ Anyway, they told us to head to the Palliser hotel at 7 OCLOCK IN THE MORNING on Tuesday, for orientation and a pep talk from the judges. On Tuesday, at 7 OCLOCK IN THE MORNING, we arrived at the Palliser and were ushered upstairs into a waiting room, where I and the 59 other remaining contestants sat down and awaited their orientation and pep talk. But first, we were told that McDonalds would be catering our breakfast that morning. I was so happy I could have shit my pants, I think I DID shit my pants, and as they started pulling McDonalds bags out of huge boxes, I thought to myself that I could get used to the glamorous world of showbusiness. You don't even have to go to McDonalds to get McDonalds. McDonalds COMES TO YOU. Shortly after this revelation, my enthusiasm was severely curbed when I grabbed a bag and found nothing inside but a muffin. No people, not a sausage and egg McMuffin, or a sausage McMuffin, or a bacon and egg McMuffin, or even just an egg McMuffin; a regular god damned bran muffin. 3000 calories and it doesn't even taste good, what's the sense in that? Where's the justice, is there no justice in this world? What in the hell is going on, McDonalds is catering breakfast and we get NOTHING BUT MUFFINS? You have got to be kidding me.
As for the auditions, another 60 finalists had gone the day before, and the judges had stern words for us. Basically, they told us to suck way less, and be way awesomer, and that if they said things that were... well, heinous and rude and made us want to cry and kill ourselves, it was just for TV so there was no need to take it to heart. Despite these warnings, most people that didn't make it had a look of absolute shock and embarrassment as they came back out of the audition room. Some were tremendously angry, others cried a lot and swore at the judges. Now THAT is entertainment factor. Oh, that reminds me - the 5 foot 3 inch guy with the white gloves and top hat and strange yellow glasses? Yeah, he got completely rejected. He came out of the audition room to meet his wife and FIVE LITTLE KIDS and he looked like they just made him watch 24 consecutive hours of the Ellen Degenerate (Spelling?... :D) show. He was so upset that he stormed out, herding his children like scared little sheep, as his wife followed, embarrassed and ashamed. Yeah, now that's... entertainment... factor? Uhhh....
As much as I love watching people make fools of themselves and bitch and cry about how unfair everything is, there were a few moments when it really felt like they were going over the edge of reason and humanity. Then again, my audition group did produce a William-Hung-like performance of Asian origin, which I'm sure will be one of the Calgary highlights. I think he sang "War, what is it good for", although honestly it was hard to tell what the hell he was saying. Awesome. All in all it was a pleasant experience, even though I waited a total of about 18 hours with random people in malls and small stuffy rooms, and I'm really glad I did it, although I don't think I'll do it again. At least I had Kelly there to support me and make me look good. She's hot. Maybe you'll see me on TV when it airs! I had my favorite shirt on, they've got to show that.
Oh right, I almost forgot... my audition. I went in there and gave it my all... for about 10 seconds, before someone blurted out "I'M A NO" followed by another almost simultaneous "I'M A NO." The next thing I heard was a huge black man asking "Is that really your tone?" Since I didn't actually have any idea what that meant, I suggested I sing another song to woo the judges. I sang Home by Michael Buble, and shortly into the song Sass Jordan said "Maybe YOU should go home." And so I did.
Spiker
About Me
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Monday, February 12, 2007
This Post Is About Pooping. You Have Been Warned
What's the only thing more awkward than walking in on your parents doing the horizontal polka? Taking a shit in a public washroom when there are other people there. You must know what I'm talking about. You go into the can, and there are a couple of guys in there, one is peeing, one is washing his hands, and no one is talking. This is not a place where one makes small talk. "Hey, aren't you in my phil 343 class? I recognized your shoes. Yeah, good shoes. So ummm... yeah, what are you... up to? Yeah, taking a crap hey. Me too. Okay, well... good luck. Knock em dead, hahah.... eeehhh.... sorry...."
You walk into a stall and take off the 17 layers of clothing you put on every morning to protect you from the wonderful Canadian climate. You sit happily down to drop the Cosbys off at the pool, as you would in your own home, and suddenly you're in the middle of a social nightmare. What if I fart really loud? Will anyone recognize that it was me who farted? Of course they'll know it was me, how could they not? Well, unless it's so loud that it just sounds like it's coming from everywhere at once, like a concussion grenade. I mean the acoustics of the toilet bowl make it sound WAY louder than it really is, I'm sure people know that right? Or maybe they don't know that and they'll think I'm the loudest farter in the world, and they'll pretend to be washing their hands until I walk out of the stall so they can get a good look at my face. Maybe I could just stay here until they're gone... But what if they fake leave, like make pitter patter footsteps towards the door and just open and close it? And then they'll see my face and they'll tell EVERYONE that I'm the loudest shitter in the entire universe, even if it's not true, and I'll be so ashamed I'll have to move to Tibet and meditate for the rest of my life in an attempt to gain a mind over matter control of my flatulations.
You know why it's so awkward? Because it's completely silent. You can hear absolutely everything. You can hear not only the grunts coming from your watercloset neighbour, but sometimes you can actually hear the contractions of his sphincter. THAT'S how quiet it is. Have you ever been taking a radical deuce in a public washroom and suddenly some loud noise fills the bathroom; maybe it's one of those hand dryers that they use instead of paper towels (I hate those things, just kill the trees), or maybe it's the ventilation or heating system kicking in. I bet you, if you were in that bathroom and you heard that sound, you shat as fast as you could to make sure you were done before the noise was over. Don't try and lie to yourself; you've been there, you've done that. The noise is just enough to muffle the sweet sounds of your delicate (or not so delicate) pooping. It feels as though a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders, and not just because you lost 1.5 pounds: You were able to enjoy your poo because no one was able to hear it.
I'm not really sure why we're so embarrassed about our pooey noises. Maybe it's an irrational fear, but it's surely the truth. You can probably fart in front of your girlfriend, and it's probably funny to at least one of you (We know who that one person is, don't we fellas), but you can't take a poo in front of her - that's why the bathroom has a big, thick door. But you can't even cut fat turd when she's in the shower. I mean, unless she doesn't know. But then you've got to be all careful about your pooping and make sure it's quiet and then you have to pretend you're blowing your nose and putting the tissues into the toilet, so you can actually flush the it. Anyways, the point is clear; pooping is just an event that cannot be joyfully shared with other people.
It's an easy fix from here, folks. Music in public bathrooms. I would enjoy my time spent in public bathrooms so much more if I could take dumps under cover of some kind of music. Even if you unleashed a loud one, you could pretend it was just part of the song. "Oh yeah," you might say, "that's the Terrance and Philip remix. Yeah it's weird hey?" This would not only make public bathrooms more useful, but I argue it would also decrease the total stress load of most everyone with a social conscience. One less thing to worry about - just let 'er rip!
You know what, I just wrote a whole blog about crapping in public washrooms. I think I'm going to put a disclaimer at the top... Yeah, I'd better do that. Happy pooing, people.
Spiker
You walk into a stall and take off the 17 layers of clothing you put on every morning to protect you from the wonderful Canadian climate. You sit happily down to drop the Cosbys off at the pool, as you would in your own home, and suddenly you're in the middle of a social nightmare. What if I fart really loud? Will anyone recognize that it was me who farted? Of course they'll know it was me, how could they not? Well, unless it's so loud that it just sounds like it's coming from everywhere at once, like a concussion grenade. I mean the acoustics of the toilet bowl make it sound WAY louder than it really is, I'm sure people know that right? Or maybe they don't know that and they'll think I'm the loudest farter in the world, and they'll pretend to be washing their hands until I walk out of the stall so they can get a good look at my face. Maybe I could just stay here until they're gone... But what if they fake leave, like make pitter patter footsteps towards the door and just open and close it? And then they'll see my face and they'll tell EVERYONE that I'm the loudest shitter in the entire universe, even if it's not true, and I'll be so ashamed I'll have to move to Tibet and meditate for the rest of my life in an attempt to gain a mind over matter control of my flatulations.
You know why it's so awkward? Because it's completely silent. You can hear absolutely everything. You can hear not only the grunts coming from your watercloset neighbour, but sometimes you can actually hear the contractions of his sphincter. THAT'S how quiet it is. Have you ever been taking a radical deuce in a public washroom and suddenly some loud noise fills the bathroom; maybe it's one of those hand dryers that they use instead of paper towels (I hate those things, just kill the trees), or maybe it's the ventilation or heating system kicking in. I bet you, if you were in that bathroom and you heard that sound, you shat as fast as you could to make sure you were done before the noise was over. Don't try and lie to yourself; you've been there, you've done that. The noise is just enough to muffle the sweet sounds of your delicate (or not so delicate) pooping. It feels as though a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders, and not just because you lost 1.5 pounds: You were able to enjoy your poo because no one was able to hear it.
I'm not really sure why we're so embarrassed about our pooey noises. Maybe it's an irrational fear, but it's surely the truth. You can probably fart in front of your girlfriend, and it's probably funny to at least one of you (We know who that one person is, don't we fellas), but you can't take a poo in front of her - that's why the bathroom has a big, thick door. But you can't even cut fat turd when she's in the shower. I mean, unless she doesn't know. But then you've got to be all careful about your pooping and make sure it's quiet and then you have to pretend you're blowing your nose and putting the tissues into the toilet, so you can actually flush the it. Anyways, the point is clear; pooping is just an event that cannot be joyfully shared with other people.
It's an easy fix from here, folks. Music in public bathrooms. I would enjoy my time spent in public bathrooms so much more if I could take dumps under cover of some kind of music. Even if you unleashed a loud one, you could pretend it was just part of the song. "Oh yeah," you might say, "that's the Terrance and Philip remix. Yeah it's weird hey?" This would not only make public bathrooms more useful, but I argue it would also decrease the total stress load of most everyone with a social conscience. One less thing to worry about - just let 'er rip!
You know what, I just wrote a whole blog about crapping in public washrooms. I think I'm going to put a disclaimer at the top... Yeah, I'd better do that. Happy pooing, people.
Spiker
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
To The Guy On 14th Street
To the guy driving the beat up Toyota with only one working headlight who fingered me on 14th street: I'm sorry I honked my horn at you. Seeing as all you did was enter my lane of traffic going the WRONG WAY and almost hit my car head-on for absolutely no reason, I just wanted to apologize for my actions. Honking my horn at an oncoming one headlight car in my lane which was about to hit me in the face was the wrong thing to do. I completely understand why you fingered me after you almost killed me and everyone in my car. Next time I will be more careful and build a couch-fort at my house and stay there forever instead of driving down the street in my own lane and honking at an ONCOMING CAR WITH ONE HEADLIGHT. Please forgive me?
Spiker
Spiker
Monday, February 05, 2007
I Am A Loser
During my time in driver's education at AMA, I learned one thing above all else: I am a complete loser. After spending 18 long, long hours with 20 other people, all of which were either 16 or 55, this is pretty much the only knowledge I've gained: I have wasted my life. Don't get me wrong, the in-car lessons were pretty good; I got to hear my east-indian driving instructor "Sharma" say the same 6 things over and over again, like he was administering some kind of slow torture. But then I realized that he's used to teaching 16 and 55 year olds, and this is probably the only way to impart any kind of knowledge on these people (I bet even God was stupid when he was 16... And by the time you're 55, you've lost half of your brain cells and you're mostly just waiting to die). I can literally still hear his voice whenever I park, switch lanes, or go through a yellow light. At this point, I am 100% sure that his voice will internally criticize my driving until the day I die.
Who waits until they're 24 to get their graduated license? Who does that? I could have gone in when I was 16 and gotten my full license, before society lost all faith in underage drivers and decided to give them no privileges whatsoever. Hey, at least we're not as bad as BC. In BC you have to put up a huge sign on your back window that says "I am the worst driver ever, fear for your life", and the sticker stays there until you've been driving for about 25 years. Way to be proactive, BC. How about instead of making ridiculous blanket statements about all new drivers, some of which are much better than people who have been driving for 20 years, they simply make driver's education mandatory, so that people actually know what they're doing from the start? Maybe then people wouldn't be driving blindly by other cars which are stopped at crosswalks.
You know what else might be a good idea - giving right of way to cars instead of pedestrians. I know most of the people reading this (If anyone actually reads this) probably think this is a stupid idea, but that's because YOU'RE actually stupid. You're welcome for letting you know. Here's the thing about pedestrians having the right of way: It's simple with cars, if you don't have the right of way, you yield to whoever does have the right of way, and if someone messes up this little task, then you get a car vs. car collision, and the person who shit the bed gets blamed and they pay a bunch of money (Either to the other guy or to their insurance company, eventually) to get things fixed.
Seems fine with cars. Doesn't work so well with pedestrians. The pedestrian has the right of way, so they start crossing the road at their crosswalk or street corner, and the cars are supposed to stop to let them go. But, just like the first situation, sometimes people shit the bed and don't yield the right of way to the pedestrian. But then... there's a pedestrian vs. car collision. And this just isn't the same as a car crash, as we all know from watching the news this last week. The driver, who is the one who shit the bed, has to pay to fix whatever they hit. But for some reason, the pedestrian isn't interested in collecting the insurance information and license number of the driver. Maybe this is because they just got HIT BY A CAR. If the collision isn't the same, then why are the rules the same... Seems to me that if people didn't have the right of way, they'd be a lot more careful when crossing the street - "Hey, I could get hit by any one of these cars!". As it turns out, people SHOULD be thinking this all the time, because when you get hit by a car, it just doesn't matter who's fault it is.
Well that was morbid. Okay, I've got some more lighthearted stuff for you. Unless you're a Christian. Then it's not your day at all. The other day I was in class when someone sneezed, and about 15 people simultaneously said "Bless you" to this one person. Of these 15 people, I'm assuming that at least 1 of them was atheist or agnostic. Why would you say bless you if you're not into all that mumbo jumbo? Maybe people think it's just a convention, but as any of you who've seen the "You're soooo good lookin"Seinfeld episode know, it's completely senseless. I wonder if these people know exactly what they mean when they're saying bless you? Do they know that they're literally trying to ward off evil spirits from entering a person's soul through their nose after they've sneezed? Good old Christian idiocy. And do you think that if people were conscious of this, that they would stop saying bless you? But then there's this problem of what the hell else to say after someone sneezes... because you feel like you've got to say something, but if you don't want to say bless you, what are you gonna say? Gezeunteit? But then people will think you're German, and we all know most Germans are secretly Nazis, so no one really wants to say Gezunteit. So what do we say? And why do we even feel like saying anything? Why is sneezing so special as to warrant special attention from other people? Typically, when you perform a bodily function in front of other people, either you say something, or they say something, or there is a very awkward silence.
Take farting for example. The response to a fart is situationally dependant. When I fart accidentally in public, and that fart is distinctly audible, I say excuse me. If the fart isn't distinctly audible, I might not say excuse me, but if someone did hear it then there's a very awkward silence. Or if I'm farting comfortably in my own house, it is probably the case that someone else will comment on my fart, and I will then typically give them information about how my farts are smelling that day, whether or not they should be covering their nose, etc. Burping is similar to farting. Also if you both burp and fart at once (I have dubbed this the "Man function"), the results will typically be the same, although they will be aggravated. Coughing seems to be about the same; if I cough in public, I will either excuse myself or say nothing, and if I cough too much and still say nothing there is an awkward silence. So why is sneezing so different? Many people do excuse themselves after they sneeze, but if they do so, there is invariably a response of "Bless you". What the hell is the difference? Why are other people so much more concerned with sneezing than with farting or coughing? I don't think there's any good reason to think that a sneeze is more important to people around you than a fart is. In fact, I'd say that the opposite is the case, especially if you've been eating a lot of Mexican food and your colon is in a state of frenzied overdrive. Farting, in this case, could be very "important" to people around you.
Here's my proposal people. Either quit saying bless you when people sneeze, or start saying bless you when people fart. There's just as much chance (maybe more?) of a demon entering your body through your relaxed, farting ass, as there is of a demon entering through your nose after you sneeze. Personally, I think I'll choose to stop saying bless you altogether, especially given the embarrassing and elusive nature of farting. And since I can't think of anything more appropriate to say (If I tried "you're sooo good lookin", and a fat ugly pockfaced woman sneezed on the bus... what to do then? What are you going to do, tell her she's good looking? She'd probably slap you), I guess I'll just have to condition myself to be OK with saying nothing after people sneeze. My future children will thank me for teaching them the right way.
Spiker
PS - Congratulations to Kevin Federline for being the first person in history to actually sell out DURING his 15 minutes of fame. Incredible.
Who waits until they're 24 to get their graduated license? Who does that? I could have gone in when I was 16 and gotten my full license, before society lost all faith in underage drivers and decided to give them no privileges whatsoever. Hey, at least we're not as bad as BC. In BC you have to put up a huge sign on your back window that says "I am the worst driver ever, fear for your life", and the sticker stays there until you've been driving for about 25 years. Way to be proactive, BC. How about instead of making ridiculous blanket statements about all new drivers, some of which are much better than people who have been driving for 20 years, they simply make driver's education mandatory, so that people actually know what they're doing from the start? Maybe then people wouldn't be driving blindly by other cars which are stopped at crosswalks.
You know what else might be a good idea - giving right of way to cars instead of pedestrians. I know most of the people reading this (If anyone actually reads this) probably think this is a stupid idea, but that's because YOU'RE actually stupid. You're welcome for letting you know. Here's the thing about pedestrians having the right of way: It's simple with cars, if you don't have the right of way, you yield to whoever does have the right of way, and if someone messes up this little task, then you get a car vs. car collision, and the person who shit the bed gets blamed and they pay a bunch of money (Either to the other guy or to their insurance company, eventually) to get things fixed.
Seems fine with cars. Doesn't work so well with pedestrians. The pedestrian has the right of way, so they start crossing the road at their crosswalk or street corner, and the cars are supposed to stop to let them go. But, just like the first situation, sometimes people shit the bed and don't yield the right of way to the pedestrian. But then... there's a pedestrian vs. car collision. And this just isn't the same as a car crash, as we all know from watching the news this last week. The driver, who is the one who shit the bed, has to pay to fix whatever they hit. But for some reason, the pedestrian isn't interested in collecting the insurance information and license number of the driver. Maybe this is because they just got HIT BY A CAR. If the collision isn't the same, then why are the rules the same... Seems to me that if people didn't have the right of way, they'd be a lot more careful when crossing the street - "Hey, I could get hit by any one of these cars!". As it turns out, people SHOULD be thinking this all the time, because when you get hit by a car, it just doesn't matter who's fault it is.
Well that was morbid. Okay, I've got some more lighthearted stuff for you. Unless you're a Christian. Then it's not your day at all. The other day I was in class when someone sneezed, and about 15 people simultaneously said "Bless you" to this one person. Of these 15 people, I'm assuming that at least 1 of them was atheist or agnostic. Why would you say bless you if you're not into all that mumbo jumbo? Maybe people think it's just a convention, but as any of you who've seen the "You're soooo good lookin"Seinfeld episode know, it's completely senseless. I wonder if these people know exactly what they mean when they're saying bless you? Do they know that they're literally trying to ward off evil spirits from entering a person's soul through their nose after they've sneezed? Good old Christian idiocy. And do you think that if people were conscious of this, that they would stop saying bless you? But then there's this problem of what the hell else to say after someone sneezes... because you feel like you've got to say something, but if you don't want to say bless you, what are you gonna say? Gezeunteit? But then people will think you're German, and we all know most Germans are secretly Nazis, so no one really wants to say Gezunteit. So what do we say? And why do we even feel like saying anything? Why is sneezing so special as to warrant special attention from other people? Typically, when you perform a bodily function in front of other people, either you say something, or they say something, or there is a very awkward silence.
Take farting for example. The response to a fart is situationally dependant. When I fart accidentally in public, and that fart is distinctly audible, I say excuse me. If the fart isn't distinctly audible, I might not say excuse me, but if someone did hear it then there's a very awkward silence. Or if I'm farting comfortably in my own house, it is probably the case that someone else will comment on my fart, and I will then typically give them information about how my farts are smelling that day, whether or not they should be covering their nose, etc. Burping is similar to farting. Also if you both burp and fart at once (I have dubbed this the "Man function"), the results will typically be the same, although they will be aggravated. Coughing seems to be about the same; if I cough in public, I will either excuse myself or say nothing, and if I cough too much and still say nothing there is an awkward silence. So why is sneezing so different? Many people do excuse themselves after they sneeze, but if they do so, there is invariably a response of "Bless you". What the hell is the difference? Why are other people so much more concerned with sneezing than with farting or coughing? I don't think there's any good reason to think that a sneeze is more important to people around you than a fart is. In fact, I'd say that the opposite is the case, especially if you've been eating a lot of Mexican food and your colon is in a state of frenzied overdrive. Farting, in this case, could be very "important" to people around you.
Here's my proposal people. Either quit saying bless you when people sneeze, or start saying bless you when people fart. There's just as much chance (maybe more?) of a demon entering your body through your relaxed, farting ass, as there is of a demon entering through your nose after you sneeze. Personally, I think I'll choose to stop saying bless you altogether, especially given the embarrassing and elusive nature of farting. And since I can't think of anything more appropriate to say (If I tried "you're sooo good lookin", and a fat ugly pockfaced woman sneezed on the bus... what to do then? What are you going to do, tell her she's good looking? She'd probably slap you), I guess I'll just have to condition myself to be OK with saying nothing after people sneeze. My future children will thank me for teaching them the right way.
Spiker
PS - Congratulations to Kevin Federline for being the first person in history to actually sell out DURING his 15 minutes of fame. Incredible.
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