Mother Nature

Why do people live in places that are so cold you can literally lose appendages after 5 minutes of exposure. Do people think this is a good idea? Hey, you want to know why no one is invading Canada? Because when you try to invade Canada, first your gun freezes, then your food freezes, then your tank falls through some winter ice and into a lake you didn't even know you were on, and then your balls fall off from exposure (Hey, soldiers are weird), and then you GO THE HELL HOME because Canada is hardly fit for human occupation. Canada is colder than outer space. I guess it all just comes down to some simple choices, right? Iraq is nice and warm. But you'll lose appendages even faster there, for more reasons than I can count on one hand (Mostly because I've only got 3 fingers left since two of them froze off while I was walking home with a jug of milk. Umm... anyone seen those?). So I suppose it all comes down to what you like best - do you like sunbathing on a beautiful beach, but being scared of crazy Iraqis running around with swords and video cameras, or would you prefer the safety and security of a warm Canadian home - because Jesus Christ knows you won't be going outside. It's up to you.

Listen, here's the deal. I love Canada, it's a really cool (THIS IS A PUN THANK YOU) place to live, especially if you like caribou. Not much political unrest, which is rare these days. We have fantastic world class cities and we get our tans out of a bottle. And even though we birthed Celine Dion, a heinous act for which we once again apologize to god and the universe, we are a pretty good bunch of people. I'm pretty sure we're all gong to hell for Celine, though...

If I was George Bush, and I cared at all about Canada (Or even knew where Canada was), I might want to hold someone accountable for the relative unsatisfactoriness of Canadian weather. Well there's really only one person to blame for this mess, and that's Mother Nature. What an asshole. You know, I bet if you tallied up the cost of the damage done by mother nature on human civilization, between hurricanes, typhoons, tornados (Most of which find happy homes in trailer parks), tsunamis, floods, and any other crappy thing it has unleashed on mankind, it would total.... hold on, calculating... a googolplex dollars. I would have included fires but I think most of those are started by stupid people anyway (Hey Vern, lets go start a fire in the woods in the middle of summer!), so I'll let that one slide. You know, it's just occurred to me that maybe you could also hold God accountable for the shitty weather in the world. Hey, I finally found a reason to believe in God - I can blame him for EVERYTHING! The point is, Mother Nature owns our ass. I wonder if he could send troops to invade Mother Nature...? I think that if George Bush had his way, he would put Mother Nature on trial for crimes against humanity. Right after Celine. And maybe Michael Bolton? Maybe that's just my own desires talking...

I wonder how that trial might go. I think Mother Nature would get Johnnie Cochran as defense - if you can get OJ off, you can get ANYONE OFF. That sounded kinda gross... Anyway, Johnnie would give you a big list about how Mother Nature has all these good qualities. He would have character witnesses with great tans and sunbleached hair, people who surf and climb mountains, and also witnesses who completely exploit Nature for all it's worth - I'm thinking Shell and Esso, for starters? The list would be enormous. But then, the prosecution would have an enormous list, too - it's just that most of the prosecution's list would be an obituary. Mother Nature has killed about a quadrillion human beings, which puts it a distant second on the all time list to an overwhelming winner - Religion (Yaaaaayyyyy Crusades!). I already put religion on trial so that's all I've got to say about that. The point is that Mother Nature is a serial killer - and it is still at large. I wonder how you would execute Mother Nature?... I bet they could do it in Texas. They can kill anything in Texas.

But would the earth be better off without Mother Nature? Well, as much as I despise it sometimes (Like when I take my shirt off in Thailand for 2 hours and get a 97th degree sunburn all over my entire body, even the parts that were never exposed), we would all die without it. I guess it's a real love-hate thing. I hate the cold weather, but I really do love breathing oxygen, so I guess I don't have much of a choice but to put up with Mother Nature, even though it's a complete powerdouche jerkface. It's like having a really crappy landlord or something (Yeah Shirley, I'm talking to you), they're so useless but you just can't get rid of them because you're living in their house. It costs you a bunch every month, but what other choice do you have? Mother Nature kills 24 thousand of us on a good day, but what the hell are we going to do - live in outer space? Hey... that's not a bad idea. I bet they don't have torrential blizzarding snow in outer space. I'm on it.

Spiker