Send This To 666 People Or You'll DIE

Okay. Seriously. The next person who sends me a chain letter is getting a complete verbal beatdown. I am so very tired of some people, who in some seemingly distant universe I viewed as being intelligent, who are constantly sending me bullshit emails. If you send useless chain letters (And, my friends, there is no such THING as a USEFUL chain letter), please read the following very carefully, and understand that I never want to receive another piece of inbox-cannon-fodder ever again, even if it means that your secret crush will hate you forever because you didn't send your completely and utterly worthless email to at least 700 people in 3.4 seconds.

Unless you are a complete moron, you should understand that emails which come to you with no MSN header, no Microsoft seals or stamps, which have 500 spelling mistakes and contain ASCII HEARTS instead of REAL PICTURES are not going to contain life-or-death information about the use of some vital internet resource. I realize - you're scared of losing your MSN; what would life be like without the ability to tell everyone you know that you're drunk, at 4 am? I know that you're scared of the email ghosts who will haunt your dreams forever because they got hit by a train before they could kiss their mostest secret grade 5 heartthrob, and their last wish was for you to fill up Chris Spiker's inbox with 500 flaming emails every day. I also imagine that you may have the IQ of low-fat mayonnaise. But then, even low-fat mayonnaise has never sent me a chain letter; does this make you even more useless than low-fat mayonnaise? I assert that it does.

When you get an email which tells you that if you forward it, Bill Gates himself will give you 250 dollars for every single person you annoy with your babbling idiocy, you might try, just for once TRY and use your brain and just think for a second. Why in the hell would Bill Gates ever give me money to send this email to a bunch of my friends? Yes, I know the email says that money is meaningless to Bill Gates, and it says that you're bound to get at least 10 thousand dollars, just for sending the email forward to your now very lucky friends, who will then in turn send it forward again and rejoice with you as you receive your cheque directly from Bill Gates. Maybe Bill will cook you a hamburger, too. Why the hell not, he's already giving shit away, why not a hamburger too? See because 10 thousand dollars is NOTHING to Bill Gates, right? I mean he's got 40 billion dollars! And if everyone in Canada got this email, and each person in turn received the measly 10 grand from good old Bill, he would only have to pay out 300 billion dollars! Oh wait, that's almost 8 times more money than he has! I guess that makes you a dumass, doesn't it. But who can blame you? How could you have been suspicious about the email that started out "Bill Gates sharing his money"? Just a clue here, but THAT IS NOT EVEN A SENTENCE. And no, Carla Sandborne is not a real attorney who "knows the law". She is a figment of your imagination you twit, she's the equivalent of a rainbow brite unicorn.

Last but not least, if I get one more email about what I'm supposed to do when I'm in love with a girl, I'm going to turn gay.

Alright, I feel slightly better now. And if anyone thinks I was even slightly harsh, just tell me and I'll start sending you some of this crap. I bet it would only take one week make you a believer. And if not, I hate you anyway. Merry Christmas!

Spiker