The Jesus Coin Says That I Am Going To Hell

After reading the title of this blog, you must have many questions. Firstly, what exactly is a Jesus coin? Secondly, if such a mysterious coin exists, why does it mean that you're going to hell? Thirdly, what the crap are you doing heeding the suggestion of ANY coin, not withstanding the fact that the coin in question is a very special coin, a Jesus coin no less. I have answers to all these questions and many more, if you'll just clear your mind and read a little bit further.

A Jesus coin: A coin, made out of the cheapest, shiniest metal, dictating the ten commandments in addition to many other juicy biblical tidbits, all of which are of great relevance to my own salvation and righteousness (also according to the coin). Of course, nowhere on this cheap, shiny coin do the words "Jesus" or "Coin" appear in any way: The name simply came out of my mouth as I was throwing it across the room at my girlfriend, that big sinner. So where did I -champion of philosophy, defender of all things rational - come upon such a coin? Did I order it from www.Jesuscoin.com ? Did it fall from the heavens, striking me squarely on the skull as I was stealing pennies from an unconscious homeless person on the way to the bus stop? Did I wake to find it sitting mysteriously on my nightstand, the moonlight reflecting its wise words onto the ceiling in large and easy-to-read print? The real story is far less interesting than any of these scenarios, I'm afraid; I got it at work. (As a side note, after thinking up the website http://www.jesuscoin.com/, I checked to see if such a website exists, and amazingly (or not) it does, although its contents were limited to a "Coming soon" page. How disappointing...)

After serving a table for around an hour and a half (The standard time at Red Robin, since we are constantly understaffed and so the food takes at least 45 minutes to make its way through the kitchen and out onto the table), I came back to find that only one woman remained, and she was holding the bill and leafing through her wallet. This is the only good part about serving, by the way, when you get paid. She said "Have you ever seen one of these?" I looked at the shiny, cheap coin in her hand and I said, apprehensively, "No... What is it?" And she put it in my hand and looked me straight in the eye, and said "I want you to have this. You have a good day." I remember thinking to myself: "What the hell is this? This is some crap about God, great... I would be happier if she left a twonie. Did she mean to leave a twonie?... This cheap thing isn't even worth a nickel... Unless you count salvation, I guess..." When I was hoping for a good "tip", I was thinking more about money, and less about instructions on how to keep from going to hell, but there you go...

But, perhaps I was too quick in dismissing the advice of this humble coin, this cheap, shiny messenger of God. Let's explore the wonders of the coin, together, to better understand its heavenly awesomeness. Since I can't figure out which side of the coin is the front (Or does it have two fronts... Now that would be a special coin), I'll just start with the side that has all the biblical tidbits on it, and then move on to the ten commandments when we've got a good grip on all that presumably less important stuff. Ready?... Okay! Here we go!

"You have to face a holy God on judgment day." Okay... when's judgment day again? It's not on my calendar and I can't seem to find a date for it anywhere, even on the internet, and if you can't find it on the INTERNET... Well, then you're in a whole shitcase of trouble... You can find ANYTHING on the internet...

"He sees lust as adultery (Matt, 5:28) and hatred as murder (1 John, 3:15). Will you be guilty?"
Oh man... I'm glad my girlfriend isn't like God. Just because I think another girl is hot doesn't mean that I had sex with her. I don't think our relationship would have lasted very long if every time I glanced at a girl, Kelly started crying and running away. I'm also glad that God isn't a judge in some court... I don't know about you, but there are a lot of people that I hate. Somehow, this doesn't seem to be quite as bad as murdering them in cold blood. If every time I saw Richard Simmons sweating to the oldies, or Howie Mandell doing another useless soon-to-be-cancelled show, I got 20 to life, well... There wouldn't be any time to write blogs. And my girlfriend wouldn't be quite so pretty... ew... So, basically, what have we learned from this second passage kids? God is an asshole. If not that, at least he's less understanding than my girlfriend and makes judge Judy look like a stay at home soccer mom. Not someone I'd like to meet, especially on an important day like judgment day (Whenever that is).

"Jesus took your punishment on the cross, and rose again, defeating death, to save you from Hell. Repent (Luke 3:15) and trust in Him today." Sweet! This Jesus guy sounds pretty awesome. I hate-killed Howie Mandell and he took the fall for me? What a nice guy. I guess Jesus is like the best friend you had in gradeschool that took detention for launching spitballs in class, when really, it was you (Thanks again Dan). Wait a second... I knew it was too good to be true. What's with this "Believe in him" talk? I thought he was just being a nice guy, taking the rap for us poor mortals who have sex with our eyes and kill with our minds. Unlike my good friend Dan in gradeschool, it seems that Jesus had a secret agenda - he only took the rap because he wanted something from me in return: It's like going to a free lunch and realizing that you're actually attending a Greenpeace fundraiser... That sucks. Okay, well, maybe the other front side of the coin has some more interesting and useful information, since this side (Which henceforth will be known as the back side of the coin) doesn't seem to be very useful at all.

The ten commandments. See, this seems more promising already. I really should have started on this side in the first place. Sorry about that...
1. You shall have no other Gods before me. - Fair enough. You're the man, cool guy.
2. You shall not make any idols. - Uhh... Do you mean, like, American Idols? Is Kelly Clarkson going to hell?...
3. You shall not take the name of the lord your god in vain. - Well God da.... Jes... Okay then.
4. Remember the sabbath day. - Well no wonder that lady gave me the coin... I was working on a Sunday! Wait a second... She let me serve her, working on a Sunday?! She practically sent me straight to hell all by herself, just because she came in and made me serve her food on a Sunday. What an awful person.
Let's see... Honor your parents, don't murder, don't commit adultery, don't steal, don't lie, and don't covet, to round out the top ten. All of those ones sound pretty good to me, I've got to admit. It must be said, this front side of the coin is way better than the back. Oh, there's some writing around the outside as well:
"For whoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all. (James 2:10)" What the hell? So, if I tell my teacher that my dog ate my homework, when actually I was up all night playing tetris on my gameboy, I'm guilty of murder? Sweet zombie Jesus. That has got to be the most ridiculous thing I've read on this cheap, shiny coin. You know what, I take it back, this isn't the front side of the coin either. Just like a fat lady sitting in a way-too-small chair, this coin has two backsides.

Well, it looks like I'm going to hell, if this double-backsided coin has anything to say about anything. Hopefully this God character will relax a little bit before judgment day, or there's going to be very low vacancy down in the depths of the underworld. That's all for now folks, and I hope you've learned at least one lesson from the Jesus coin; It makes a really shitty tip.

-Spiker