Baby On Board

Did I scare you mom? I hope so. Babies scare me, too. Well, my babies do... not that I have any... So I suppose it's simply the possibility of my babies that scares me. How someone can be scared of something that doesn't really exist (like a possibility) is beyond me, although I suppose this is akin to little children crying at night because they're scared of the boogeyman, who also happens to not really exist. I wonder if they would let me name my first born child "Boogeyman"... Is that neglect?...

I talked to my lawyer, and I've been informed that it's only neglect if your gross annual income does not exceed 2.3 million dollars. If you're making more money than you know what to do with, you can name your children anything you want! I'm sure there are plenty of examples out there, but I only need 1 - Frank Zappa. Apparently he has four children, each of whom has a name that is so strange it defies reason itself, ripping at the very fabric of our universe.

"Dweezil Zappa": Yes, he just put a D in front of "weasel" and changed the spelling.

"Diva Zappa": Named after a night of drunken jazz playing ended with a scat war.

"Ahmet Rodan Zappa": After a fierce internal debate which lasted for more than 17 days, Frank finally had a breakthrough when he drew these letters in a competition scrabble game. As a side note, he placed last in the tournament, having failed to create any correct english words.

"Moon Unit Zappa": Wow? If this isn't neglect, I don't know what is.

So I almost forgot to mention why I named this blog "Baby On Board" in the first place. I was walking home from school today when I saw a lady weaving in and out of pedestrian traffic, plowing her way through packs of people with the baby carriage in front of her. At first I thought "Hey, at least the kid is being useful right?". As she passed me, I noticed on the carriage a most peculiar sign: "Baby On Board". Now don't get me wrong, this sign isn't peculiar because it was in error - it was simply a stupid fricken sign. What the hell else do you put in a carriage, other than a baby? It's a BABY CARRIAGE. That's like putting a sign on your hot dog bun that says "Hot dog on board". What possessed the makers of that carriage (Or was this a home-made sign?) to put the most redundantly stupid thing they could think of right on the front of the carriage. If you're going to put something on the front of a carriage, why not make it useful? Maybe a little note reminding people to give their parents a call on holidays, that would be helpful, or perhaps an interesting little quip or life lesson, like "Don't eat yellow snow!" See, that's helpful. That might even save lives.

You know what would be even better, what if instead of advising people as to the contents of the baby carriage, information which is apparently very difficult to ascertain (Don't forget, in the movie Speed, Keanu Reeves drives a bus at 60 miles per hour into a carriage which, luckily (or unluckily, depending on what you like), happened to be filled with 78 empty cans, and not a baby! Hopefully they weren't using this same carriage... And if they were, do you think they could get sued for false advertising?), what if they warned people about the dangers of babies themselves? "Warning: Contents of this carriage are extremely fragile. Do not shake, lift, roll, turn upside down or make baby noises at (including "goo-goo", "ga-ga", and any gurgling sounds) the contents of this carriage. Contents may scream, cry, projectile vomit, spray snot, shit themselves, or throw sharp toys without any warning. Depending on the condition of the driver of this carriage, the contents may be intensely ugly or hairy, and sometimes not fit for human contact. For your own personal safety, please remain 1 meter from the contents of this carriage at all times to prevent injury or death."

Well, that's all I've got for today. I'm sure now that I'm back in school there will be plenty of stupid crap for me to write about. From that kid in my phil 467 lecture with 4 inch gums to the hot dutch girl in my phil 352 class, it should be an interesting semester. Here's hoping Kelly doesn't read this, woooo! Oh wait, I gave her the address... In that case, let's go ahead and downgrade "hot dutch girl" to "interesting european... man". Perfect, she won't suspect a thing. Now where the hell is the backspace button...

Spiker