Well Shit.

So I figure I've got a lot of free time on my hands, so I might as well start a blog, in case anyone is misguided enough to delight in the strange pleasure of reading about someone else's boring life. At least it kicks the shit out of a journal; those things are heinously lame, and why are they always pink? Do they make journals in any other color? Seriously.

I moved to Vancouver from Calgary about a month ago, and it's been a good time so far. I hear the summer is nice out here. It's been raining for two week straight so I guess... It must not summer yet? And I figured out I don't live in Vancouver at all, but some kind of suburb of Vancouver called Burnaby (Is it a completely different city?), which seems to have the same transit system. I think the Vancouver transit system actually extends all the way into Asia, which might explain why there are 47 Asians to every 1 white person here.

Anyway, I'm living with my girlfriend Kelly now. Making the transition from long distance to no distance at all has been difficult at times, but amazing and rewarding nonetheless. I'm happier now than I have been for a while. Calgary was alright, and I did enjoy school, but Kelly and I being apart was something like walking past the beach on a beautiful day and going to the tanning salon; what the hell is the point? Still, our time together hasn't been perfect; this has been no utopian paradise where the sex is free and the beer flows from the heavens like sweet, golden rain. Mind you the sex is still free... Did I just say golden rain? Isn't that like in pornos when people pee on each other or something? How the hell do people enjoy that shit... Anyway, like I was saying, there have been some relationship bumps this past month. No, I'm not talking about herpes. Sometimes Kelly and I are just of different minds I guess...

Let me give you an example. About a week ago, I was cooking dinner; a gorgeous, tasty and healthy gourmet meal for Kelly and I. Spaghetti at its finest. I was just finishing up cooking the chicken and veggies, right, when all of a sudden Kelly pipes up and says "Hey umm... You know there's an onion in the fridge..." Being an understanding and gentlemanly individual, I shot to the fridge and immediately began cutting the onion up for a quick last minute addition to my amazingly awesome pasta sauce. Suddenly, Kelly blurts out "Oh, you don't have to put it in though. I don't even really like onions. I was just telling you it was there..."

OKAY... So what the hell was that? In my own experience, if a woman says something like "There's an onion in the fridge", what she really means is "Put a god damned onion in the pasta sauce you idiot". In my studies of "women", I've found that they seem to communicate in what I have dubbed "Hidden meanings", where they don't say what they mean or mean what they say, and sometimes they actually just talk to confirm that they still have the ability to make sound. Apparently my studies were wrong, and as I was told after putting the onion into the sauce, a woman's verbal communication doesn't actually have any hidden meanings whatsoever. Who knew...

So, armed with this new knowledge, and ready to put it to use, I took my opportunity when later that day, I asked Kelly if she wanted some help with the dishes. She replied "Not really. Well... Only if you want, honey." Clearly, the uneducated Chris would have assumed that this actually meant "You should have asked 10 minutes ago you lazy slice of shit", but having had my epiphany with regards to female verbal communication, I knew that this was actually meant to be taken at face value. Confidently, I smiled and said "Okay, cool! Yeah, I don't want to at all, so you go for it sweetie." Needless to say, we did not have sex for two days.

So what have we learned from this experience? While a simple man would only have blamed himself, I realized a truth so profound it shook the very depths of my being: Women are completely insane, and if you don't know what they want, it's because THEY DON'T EITHER.

Well, other than that, things have been pretty peachy so I suppose I should stop complaining. Until next time :)

Spiker