I'm taking driver's education right now, with the AMA. They're real blood sucking bastards. People keep telling me the course will pay for itself in the long run, what with the reductions in insurance; but what about all the time, the personal pain and turmoil, the sheer annoyance of it all? Irreconcilable. That is, until last night's class.
Last night, our instructor told us a most amazing story. Before I pass this amazing information on to your open and receiving minds, I must tell you that I did not initially believe this story, as I'm sure you will all understand after reading it. After digesting what I will gleefully write in just a short time from now, you will understandably be asking some serious questions: How is it possible that such a thing occurred? Surely the forces of the universe should have undergone some metamorphosis simply to have averted this occurrence. Is there no God whatsoever? Or is there just a God who likes a good laugh now and then: Some floods, some disease, and this. Don't allow yourself to be mislead - this story is one of biblical importance. In fact, this may be the one story which is even less believable than the bible. But the fact of the matter is that the story is true. She showed us the details. There were papers with numbers and letters on them, concretely affirming the seemingly impossible reality to which we had just been exposed. There is no escaping the truth, no matter how incoherent and unreasonable it may seem. Let me weave for you a complicated tale of immense stupidity. This is the story of the most ignorant person in the universe.
A woman, who shall remain nameless (But only because I don't know her name) was helping her sister move, and was making trips back and forth between her sister's old house and her new house (What a nice person, you might be thinking: But for this, you may feel the urge to slap yourself in the face after reading the rest of this story. I wholeheartedly support and condone this; everyone needs a good self-slap now and then). You know what, let's give her a name, just for posterity. I think Jacquaze (Pronounced jah-kwaz) will do. Jacquaze was driving between the two houses, and speeding excessively I might add, when a policeman who was parked by the side of the road pulled her over and gave her a ticket. The officer sent her on her way, knowing that he had made society a little bit better that day, maybe even saved some lives. A good feeling filled him as she drove off to wherever she was headed, now in far less of a hurry. We cannot blame the police officer for what happened that day. It was not his fault. Had he known what was to occur, he might have acted differently. But every ounce of reason and sensibility in any sane person compels us to deny the possible outcome that became reality on this fateful day. There is just no way she could be that stupid. But on this day, there was magic in the air (And by "magic in the air" I mean "excessive carbon monoxide in her brain." It's the only explanation).
Just a short while later, Jacquaze was pulled over again for speeding excessively. By the same police officer. At the exact same place. He gave her another ticket and, while wondering if mayonnaise might have a higher IQ than this woman, again sent her on her way. The third time he pulled her over (Still at the exact same spot), he felt strangely guilty, like he might feel if he was stealing candy from someone with downs syndrome. He let her know that he would be there all day, and that there was really, honestly, no need to come speeding through here again because she would, unavoidably, get pulled over again. This fact probably would have convinced many of us to slow down when passing this same spot the next time. Perhaps we would just pick a different route. Maybe we would let someone else drive; it's just not our day! In fact, one could argue that even single celled protoplasm could have learned not to speed on this section of the road after two tickets, no less after three. But Jacquaze was special. So special...
The fourth time she was pulled over, the police officer must have been looking around for Candid Camera vans and hidden lenses inside the car. I cannot even imagine the incredulous look on his face as she pulled over once again at his behest. His expression must have been a mix of amazement and disgust, coupled with a heavy dose of complete and utter despair.
The fifth time was his breaking point. He simply told her to leave and never come back. The age old question is answered - policemen CAN get tired of handing out tickets. What would you have done? Tickets and logical reason having fallen lightyears short of piercing Jacquaze's metaphorical 10 inch composite steel skull, what would you have done? 4 tickets and she comes back for a fifth. Well, I've thought long and hard about this, and I know exactly what I would have done. I would have shot her. I would have taken out my trusty policegun, and confidently aimed at her and shot her to death. Does this make me a monster? Someone who has no regard for human life? I argue that my care for human life is the exact reason Jacquaze should immediately have been killed. Before you take pity on Jacquaze, hear me out.
Pretend you are walking in a field and you see a horse lying on the grass. Being a horse enthusiast, you go over slowly to make friends with the animal, maybe figure out whether it's wild or tame, male or female, etc. Your dreams of rodeos and evening trots down the beach are cut short; as you approach the horse, you notice that it has a badly broken leg. You know, being a horse enthusiast, that this horse's leg is damaged beyond repair. Unlike sparky the three-legged-dog, or spot the two-legged-with-a-roller-thingy-dog, this horse will never walk again. You feel pity on the horse, which is obviously in some pain and will not die for some time, his internal organs apparently still functioning normally. You have a gun (A trusty policegun!) and you have a choice to make: Should you end this horse's life? You know that it would probably be better to kill this horse; it would quickly end what would turn out to be a long and gruesome death, a struggling and utterly tragic end to such a majestic life. I think most of us, in this case, would kill the horse, or at least agree that killing the horse might be the best thing to do, even if we don't think that we, personally, could kill a living thing. We might want to call the local wildlife officer, who would then come out and end the horse's suffering.
This is exactly why I would shoot Jacquaze. She is obviously a non-functional being. Some vital part of this being's fundamental process of existence is flawed to the point where the being can no longer function to an adequate level; Jacquaze's cerebral cortex is completely non-operational. To ease the suffering of the entire human race, and to remove her from the gene pool before she reproduces (I have prayed to any God that will listen in hope that she has not yet done so), we must end her life. Just as the horse's existence after breaking its leg is one of pain and suffering (The horse now brings greater pain to the world as a whole than it brings good), the existence of Jacquaze brings a great measure of pain not only upon me (So.... much.... pain...), but upon planet earth and probably the entire universe as well. For the good of all that exists, Jacquaze must be sacrificed. It's easy to see the good in ending the life of a living thing to its own benefit, so why not end the life of a living thing to the benefit of the entire human race? If this means one little life lost, then so be it. A life of ignorant impudence is not a life worth living.
Well, there's my politically incorrect statement for the week. Maybe for the month... But cmon, my argument is pretty good, isn't it?... Ah well. I hope she's a reader.
Spiker
About Me
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Monday, January 15, 2007
Calgary Transhit - Trained By Hitler
Why is it that every time I try to take a bus in Calgary, it's either late or early. A bus in Calgary is never on time. I've been getting more and more annoyed with Calgary transit ever since I moved back to this cold, windy, barren wasteland of a city. It's like they're TRYING to be completely useless. That is the only explanation. Human ignorance and stupidity can accomplish only so much failure. But the Calgary transit system goes above and beyond that level of failure, to a whole new existence plane of shittiness that no one has ever imagined could exist, let alone tried to reach. Let me give you a couple of examples, and remember that if I, one simple man, have been privy to all of these experiences in my infinitesimal portion of time in this city, the reality of the situation must be decidedly worse than even I envision.
This morning, I decided to get up a little bit early just to make ABSOLUTELY SURE that I would get to class on time. I don't much like being late to class. As you saunter in, the professor has already started lecturing but pauses to quickly memorize your face so he can take marks off of every grade you will receive in every one of his/her classes. Every other student looks at you as if you have just thrown a kitten in a bag with a bunch of tacks in it and then hit baseballs with the bag for a half hour (Wow, that was way too gruesome. Maybe I'll downgrade it to hitting racquetballs). Long story short, being late is all bad. So I got ready and walked to the bus stop, and when I got there, there were two other people already waiting for the bus. I found this strange since I myself was five minutes early for my bus, which comes every 10 minutes, but I decided not to come to any bold conclusions. This was probably because Jack Johnson was playing on my MP3 player. He just makes me happy.
After waiting for 20 more minutes for my bus which comes every 10 minutes, I finally saw a bus coming up towards the stop. The baffling perplexity I saw next made me question my very existence. Immediately behind the #20 bus was ANOTHER #20 bus. I might have been delighted... if I had a rocket launcher. Instead I was filled with an unspeakable rage. Neither bus was anything near full, nor have they ever been, since the #20 bus is not all that popular. Gee, I wonder why. I had been waiting for 25 minutes, the time in which 3 buses were likely to have come and gone, for one bus to come. Instead of one coming every 10 minutes, now two had come in 25 minutes. Incredible.
I've got an idea for you Calgary transit - how about this: Just send one REALLY BIG BUS around at 5 or 6 random times during the day. You'll be able to cut down on driver costs, which will be good since 96% of your drivers are mindless assholes anyway, and it will solve all those pesky scheduling problems because the drivers can do whatever the hell they want - which is what they do ANYWAY. Maybe you should just install cannons at some specific places around the city, and get people to pay you for you to shoot them out of the cannons towards their destination. At this point, I think I would prefer landing face first in a park full of used needles to taking the bus.
Not long ago, my brother was heading to University for exams and he was nearly 10 minutes early for a bus, when it drove by unexpectedly as he was walking up to the stop. It had halted at a red light (Amazingly, since they usually just drive through, oblivious of the traffic signals) as he ran up to the door, and he smiled at the bus driver as a baby might smile at his mother immediately before being fed: He knew he had made it. He knew he was about to reach his goal. As Jason stood outside the door of the stopped bus, and the light turned green, the bus driver looked him straight in the eyes and drove away. I think we really need to buy a rocket launcher. Does anyone know where I can get a rocket launcher?
What kind of complacent slice of flaming shit does something like that. There is no need for bus drivers to be doing things like that. I'm sure everyone living in Calgary who has been on a bus has seen the bus driver just drive away from a stop when someone was running for the bus. It's usually an old lady with a walker and a few grocery bags, or some guy in a wheelchair (Yes, I realize someone in a wheelchair can't run for the bus. Don't be a jerk.) - you know, the people that will freeze and die if left out in the cold. The bus driver sees them and just doesn't care. Or maybe he actually enjoys watching people suffer. Maybe that's part of the driver training, teaching people to become heinous bastards. I bet that class is right after the one where they teach you to always be early or late, but never on time. Maybe that's even part of the job application - "Are you ethnic? Do you hate people in general, and more specifically people with disabilities, babies, and old people? Yes? You're hired. Someone tell him he's hired, I don't speak his language"
The stop where I catch the bus is up on an exit ramp where cars get off of Crowchild and onto 33rd avenue. Possibly the most amazing thing I've seen, which has happened countless times to me, is when bus drivers simply drive under the overpass, completely ignoring the stop and everyone at it. They can SEE THE STOP from below, while they still have time to turn up the ramp, and they KNOW if there are people there. They just keep on driving. If I can see the numbers on the front of the bus as it drives by and under the bridge, the bus driver can certainly see me. There is simply no explanation for this. How can you explain that a driver sees the people at the next stop and simply drives by without picking them up. The bus is not full. There is no traffic. There is nothing impeding his progress (Until I buy a rocket launcher, that is). The only explanation is that the bus driver has been trained to despise humanity, probably by either Hitler or Satan. Maybe Saddam Hussein was the student teacher.
The point is, this kind of blatant disregard for people is not only relentlessly annoying and utterly condemnable, it seriously pisses me off. It's like getting to the airport and finding out your plane left an hour early, for absolutely no reason, with no one on it but the pilot. Why? Why would they do that? What idiocy has occurred here? These questions go unanswered with respect to Calgary Transit. I guess all we can hope for, at this point, is a military coup. A military dictator would know how to run a damned bus system. Things would happen on time or people would get SHOT. Does anyone know a good dictator? Keep me informed. Anything would be better than this.
Spiker
This morning, I decided to get up a little bit early just to make ABSOLUTELY SURE that I would get to class on time. I don't much like being late to class. As you saunter in, the professor has already started lecturing but pauses to quickly memorize your face so he can take marks off of every grade you will receive in every one of his/her classes. Every other student looks at you as if you have just thrown a kitten in a bag with a bunch of tacks in it and then hit baseballs with the bag for a half hour (Wow, that was way too gruesome. Maybe I'll downgrade it to hitting racquetballs). Long story short, being late is all bad. So I got ready and walked to the bus stop, and when I got there, there were two other people already waiting for the bus. I found this strange since I myself was five minutes early for my bus, which comes every 10 minutes, but I decided not to come to any bold conclusions. This was probably because Jack Johnson was playing on my MP3 player. He just makes me happy.
After waiting for 20 more minutes for my bus which comes every 10 minutes, I finally saw a bus coming up towards the stop. The baffling perplexity I saw next made me question my very existence. Immediately behind the #20 bus was ANOTHER #20 bus. I might have been delighted... if I had a rocket launcher. Instead I was filled with an unspeakable rage. Neither bus was anything near full, nor have they ever been, since the #20 bus is not all that popular. Gee, I wonder why. I had been waiting for 25 minutes, the time in which 3 buses were likely to have come and gone, for one bus to come. Instead of one coming every 10 minutes, now two had come in 25 minutes. Incredible.
I've got an idea for you Calgary transit - how about this: Just send one REALLY BIG BUS around at 5 or 6 random times during the day. You'll be able to cut down on driver costs, which will be good since 96% of your drivers are mindless assholes anyway, and it will solve all those pesky scheduling problems because the drivers can do whatever the hell they want - which is what they do ANYWAY. Maybe you should just install cannons at some specific places around the city, and get people to pay you for you to shoot them out of the cannons towards their destination. At this point, I think I would prefer landing face first in a park full of used needles to taking the bus.
Not long ago, my brother was heading to University for exams and he was nearly 10 minutes early for a bus, when it drove by unexpectedly as he was walking up to the stop. It had halted at a red light (Amazingly, since they usually just drive through, oblivious of the traffic signals) as he ran up to the door, and he smiled at the bus driver as a baby might smile at his mother immediately before being fed: He knew he had made it. He knew he was about to reach his goal. As Jason stood outside the door of the stopped bus, and the light turned green, the bus driver looked him straight in the eyes and drove away. I think we really need to buy a rocket launcher. Does anyone know where I can get a rocket launcher?
What kind of complacent slice of flaming shit does something like that. There is no need for bus drivers to be doing things like that. I'm sure everyone living in Calgary who has been on a bus has seen the bus driver just drive away from a stop when someone was running for the bus. It's usually an old lady with a walker and a few grocery bags, or some guy in a wheelchair (Yes, I realize someone in a wheelchair can't run for the bus. Don't be a jerk.) - you know, the people that will freeze and die if left out in the cold. The bus driver sees them and just doesn't care. Or maybe he actually enjoys watching people suffer. Maybe that's part of the driver training, teaching people to become heinous bastards. I bet that class is right after the one where they teach you to always be early or late, but never on time. Maybe that's even part of the job application - "Are you ethnic? Do you hate people in general, and more specifically people with disabilities, babies, and old people? Yes? You're hired. Someone tell him he's hired, I don't speak his language"
The stop where I catch the bus is up on an exit ramp where cars get off of Crowchild and onto 33rd avenue. Possibly the most amazing thing I've seen, which has happened countless times to me, is when bus drivers simply drive under the overpass, completely ignoring the stop and everyone at it. They can SEE THE STOP from below, while they still have time to turn up the ramp, and they KNOW if there are people there. They just keep on driving. If I can see the numbers on the front of the bus as it drives by and under the bridge, the bus driver can certainly see me. There is simply no explanation for this. How can you explain that a driver sees the people at the next stop and simply drives by without picking them up. The bus is not full. There is no traffic. There is nothing impeding his progress (Until I buy a rocket launcher, that is). The only explanation is that the bus driver has been trained to despise humanity, probably by either Hitler or Satan. Maybe Saddam Hussein was the student teacher.
The point is, this kind of blatant disregard for people is not only relentlessly annoying and utterly condemnable, it seriously pisses me off. It's like getting to the airport and finding out your plane left an hour early, for absolutely no reason, with no one on it but the pilot. Why? Why would they do that? What idiocy has occurred here? These questions go unanswered with respect to Calgary Transit. I guess all we can hope for, at this point, is a military coup. A military dictator would know how to run a damned bus system. Things would happen on time or people would get SHOT. Does anyone know a good dictator? Keep me informed. Anything would be better than this.
Spiker
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Mother Nature
Why do people live in places that are so cold you can literally lose appendages after 5 minutes of exposure. Do people think this is a good idea? Hey, you want to know why no one is invading Canada? Because when you try to invade Canada, first your gun freezes, then your food freezes, then your tank falls through some winter ice and into a lake you didn't even know you were on, and then your balls fall off from exposure (Hey, soldiers are weird), and then you GO THE HELL HOME because Canada is hardly fit for human occupation. Canada is colder than outer space. I guess it all just comes down to some simple choices, right? Iraq is nice and warm. But you'll lose appendages even faster there, for more reasons than I can count on one hand (Mostly because I've only got 3 fingers left since two of them froze off while I was walking home with a jug of milk. Umm... anyone seen those?). So I suppose it all comes down to what you like best - do you like sunbathing on a beautiful beach, but being scared of crazy Iraqis running around with swords and video cameras, or would you prefer the safety and security of a warm Canadian home - because Jesus Christ knows you won't be going outside. It's up to you.
Listen, here's the deal. I love Canada, it's a really cool (THIS IS A PUN THANK YOU) place to live, especially if you like caribou. Not much political unrest, which is rare these days. We have fantastic world class cities and we get our tans out of a bottle. And even though we birthed Celine Dion, a heinous act for which we once again apologize to god and the universe, we are a pretty good bunch of people. I'm pretty sure we're all gong to hell for Celine, though...
If I was George Bush, and I cared at all about Canada (Or even knew where Canada was), I might want to hold someone accountable for the relative unsatisfactoriness of Canadian weather. Well there's really only one person to blame for this mess, and that's Mother Nature. What an asshole. You know, I bet if you tallied up the cost of the damage done by mother nature on human civilization, between hurricanes, typhoons, tornados (Most of which find happy homes in trailer parks), tsunamis, floods, and any other crappy thing it has unleashed on mankind, it would total.... hold on, calculating... a googolplex dollars. I would have included fires but I think most of those are started by stupid people anyway (Hey Vern, lets go start a fire in the woods in the middle of summer!), so I'll let that one slide. You know, it's just occurred to me that maybe you could also hold God accountable for the shitty weather in the world. Hey, I finally found a reason to believe in God - I can blame him for EVERYTHING! The point is, Mother Nature owns our ass. I wonder if he could send troops to invade Mother Nature...? I think that if George Bush had his way, he would put Mother Nature on trial for crimes against humanity. Right after Celine. And maybe Michael Bolton? Maybe that's just my own desires talking...
I wonder how that trial might go. I think Mother Nature would get Johnnie Cochran as defense - if you can get OJ off, you can get ANYONE OFF. That sounded kinda gross... Anyway, Johnnie would give you a big list about how Mother Nature has all these good qualities. He would have character witnesses with great tans and sunbleached hair, people who surf and climb mountains, and also witnesses who completely exploit Nature for all it's worth - I'm thinking Shell and Esso, for starters? The list would be enormous. But then, the prosecution would have an enormous list, too - it's just that most of the prosecution's list would be an obituary. Mother Nature has killed about a quadrillion human beings, which puts it a distant second on the all time list to an overwhelming winner - Religion (Yaaaaayyyyy Crusades!). I already put religion on trial so that's all I've got to say about that. The point is that Mother Nature is a serial killer - and it is still at large. I wonder how you would execute Mother Nature?... I bet they could do it in Texas. They can kill anything in Texas.
But would the earth be better off without Mother Nature? Well, as much as I despise it sometimes (Like when I take my shirt off in Thailand for 2 hours and get a 97th degree sunburn all over my entire body, even the parts that were never exposed), we would all die without it. I guess it's a real love-hate thing. I hate the cold weather, but I really do love breathing oxygen, so I guess I don't have much of a choice but to put up with Mother Nature, even though it's a complete powerdouche jerkface. It's like having a really crappy landlord or something (Yeah Shirley, I'm talking to you), they're so useless but you just can't get rid of them because you're living in their house. It costs you a bunch every month, but what other choice do you have? Mother Nature kills 24 thousand of us on a good day, but what the hell are we going to do - live in outer space? Hey... that's not a bad idea. I bet they don't have torrential blizzarding snow in outer space. I'm on it.
Spiker
Listen, here's the deal. I love Canada, it's a really cool (THIS IS A PUN THANK YOU) place to live, especially if you like caribou. Not much political unrest, which is rare these days. We have fantastic world class cities and we get our tans out of a bottle. And even though we birthed Celine Dion, a heinous act for which we once again apologize to god and the universe, we are a pretty good bunch of people. I'm pretty sure we're all gong to hell for Celine, though...
If I was George Bush, and I cared at all about Canada (Or even knew where Canada was), I might want to hold someone accountable for the relative unsatisfactoriness of Canadian weather. Well there's really only one person to blame for this mess, and that's Mother Nature. What an asshole. You know, I bet if you tallied up the cost of the damage done by mother nature on human civilization, between hurricanes, typhoons, tornados (Most of which find happy homes in trailer parks), tsunamis, floods, and any other crappy thing it has unleashed on mankind, it would total.... hold on, calculating... a googolplex dollars. I would have included fires but I think most of those are started by stupid people anyway (Hey Vern, lets go start a fire in the woods in the middle of summer!), so I'll let that one slide. You know, it's just occurred to me that maybe you could also hold God accountable for the shitty weather in the world. Hey, I finally found a reason to believe in God - I can blame him for EVERYTHING! The point is, Mother Nature owns our ass. I wonder if he could send troops to invade Mother Nature...? I think that if George Bush had his way, he would put Mother Nature on trial for crimes against humanity. Right after Celine. And maybe Michael Bolton? Maybe that's just my own desires talking...
I wonder how that trial might go. I think Mother Nature would get Johnnie Cochran as defense - if you can get OJ off, you can get ANYONE OFF. That sounded kinda gross... Anyway, Johnnie would give you a big list about how Mother Nature has all these good qualities. He would have character witnesses with great tans and sunbleached hair, people who surf and climb mountains, and also witnesses who completely exploit Nature for all it's worth - I'm thinking Shell and Esso, for starters? The list would be enormous. But then, the prosecution would have an enormous list, too - it's just that most of the prosecution's list would be an obituary. Mother Nature has killed about a quadrillion human beings, which puts it a distant second on the all time list to an overwhelming winner - Religion (Yaaaaayyyyy Crusades!). I already put religion on trial so that's all I've got to say about that. The point is that Mother Nature is a serial killer - and it is still at large. I wonder how you would execute Mother Nature?... I bet they could do it in Texas. They can kill anything in Texas.
But would the earth be better off without Mother Nature? Well, as much as I despise it sometimes (Like when I take my shirt off in Thailand for 2 hours and get a 97th degree sunburn all over my entire body, even the parts that were never exposed), we would all die without it. I guess it's a real love-hate thing. I hate the cold weather, but I really do love breathing oxygen, so I guess I don't have much of a choice but to put up with Mother Nature, even though it's a complete powerdouche jerkface. It's like having a really crappy landlord or something (Yeah Shirley, I'm talking to you), they're so useless but you just can't get rid of them because you're living in their house. It costs you a bunch every month, but what other choice do you have? Mother Nature kills 24 thousand of us on a good day, but what the hell are we going to do - live in outer space? Hey... that's not a bad idea. I bet they don't have torrential blizzarding snow in outer space. I'm on it.
Spiker
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Pud and the Funny Chart
The other day, I was eating a cordial breakfast with some old friends, at a nice little diner near my house. The fact that this diner was near my house does not make me lazy. At the end of the sumptuous meal, we were given the bill (Damn!) and also some customary sweets, to help end our excursion with a sugary bang! You know... you get those little candies with the bill, and everyone immediately grabs the tasty fruity ones, and some poor bastard comes back from turd cutting to find he's been stuck with the only green striped peppermint candy. He feels like crying, but he knows it was his own mistake for not being at the table when the candy got there, it was his own damn fault, so he concedes and reluctantly scoops up the peppermint candy, while shooting glares across the table in any and every direction. let's quickly get something clear. You might think that I am of the opinion that the peppermint candy is only bad compared to the tasty fruity candies, or you may in fact be ludicrous enough to actually pretend to like peppermint candies (Because no one actually likes peppermint candies), but if you think any of this garbage you obviously have your head in your own ass because the taste appeal of peppermint candies is on par with that of a freshly minted slice of shit. But, on this particular day, there were no peppermint candies (much to my delight), instead there were 4 of those little dubble bubble gums with pud comics inside. Initially, this was also personally pleasing to me, although I did take note of the unorthodoxy of this after breakfast treat.
All 4 of us rifled open our individually wrapped double bubble gums, and began chewing away noisily, contented with our full bellies and sugary treats. A problem was soon discovered. The flavor of Double Bubble gum lasts as long as Eifel 65's musical career - it is instantaneously nonexistent. There is an initial glimmer of flavor, and then absolutely nothing - you may as well go outside and chew on the tires of your car. By the way, for those of you who have mentally blocked out any memory of Eifel 65, congratulations, and you should skip the next sentence to prevent any relapse of your former knowledge, since having no knowledge whatsoever of the musical wasteland that is Eifel 65 probably makes you a better person. For those of you who are deranged enough to want to know more, and haven't already googled it, you might remember the song "Blue", a horrendously annoying techno abomination in which the awful, nasal lyric line consists simply of "Da Bu Dee Da Bu Dai".
I think the only band worse then Eifel 65, is Chumbawumba. Enough said.
But at least now you understand just how bad the gum is. Unless, of course, you are unfortunate enough to like the aforementioned song, in which case you should seek mental help immediately. There is help for you, it comes in the form of a frontal lobotomy. meanwhile, at the diner we all sat there imagining how close the chemical makeup of this gum could be to that of asphalt, and realized that there was more to this gum than met the eye! Yes, a comic! How had we ever forgotten? Perhaps we were daydreaming, lost and reminiscing of our childhood, full of five dollar allowances and five cent candies. More likely it was the instant chemical coma induced by chewing on the flavorless rubber gum. But the comics brought us back to life, and we opened them up and each read them silently to ourselves, with the intention of reading them aloud to each other, and enjoying them together. Welcome to mistake number two.
Two words - Train wreck.
Did you know that there are over 1600 pud cartoons? Did you also know that 0% of those are funny? I think I might firebomb some houses if I could find out who wrote those comics, or maybe I could just send over some poisoned gum on Halloween, for the sheer irony. All jokes aside (Whew the readers say, they were about to call the FBI... wait, we're in Canada...), these comics are the worst attempt at comedy I have ever had the misfortune of reading. If you enjoy pud comics, you need to end your own life. Hopefully you have not yet reproduced.
But they did get me to thinking - why exactly are they so damn awful? Why do I feel like I'm being punched in the soul every time I read a new one? There's lots of comedic material that's even stupider than these, and far more appealing, and there's also plenty of material which isn't quite so stupid and also exponentially more palatable.
After a great deal of research (And by "a great deal of research", I mean eight minutes on Microsoft paint), I have uncovered the reason for the complete worthlessness of pud comics. I have uncovered the funny function. Pud comics occupy the very bottom of the funny function, meaning that they are completely unfunny. The funniness factor of any piece of comic material can be estimated by its intelligence or stupidness factor using the line of best fit, which has been calculated from millions of trials run on objective humor analysis data. Observe.
http://www.geocities.com/spiker4392/FunnyFunction.GIF
The chart does not lie, people. Thousands of scientists and millions of objective tests cannot be wrong. Pud comics are scientifically proven to suck the lowest form of comedic ass.
So, what have we learned today kids? Next time you see a piece of dubble bubble gum, get out your flamethrower (Or optionally, your rocket launcher) and rid the world of its awful existence. If left unchecked, not only will the gum itself invade your face unsolicited, ruining your taste buds forever, but the insidious pud comics you find inside will ruin your life, causing blindness, coma, and in some cases, severe death. Let this be a warning to all those who believe they are brave enough to tempt fate and risk heinous debilitation by accepting a dubble bubble gum - remember that there is a fine line between bravery and stupidity, and please, think of your families. Oh, almost forgot, happy new year!
Spiker
All 4 of us rifled open our individually wrapped double bubble gums, and began chewing away noisily, contented with our full bellies and sugary treats. A problem was soon discovered. The flavor of Double Bubble gum lasts as long as Eifel 65's musical career - it is instantaneously nonexistent. There is an initial glimmer of flavor, and then absolutely nothing - you may as well go outside and chew on the tires of your car. By the way, for those of you who have mentally blocked out any memory of Eifel 65, congratulations, and you should skip the next sentence to prevent any relapse of your former knowledge, since having no knowledge whatsoever of the musical wasteland that is Eifel 65 probably makes you a better person. For those of you who are deranged enough to want to know more, and haven't already googled it, you might remember the song "Blue", a horrendously annoying techno abomination in which the awful, nasal lyric line consists simply of "Da Bu Dee Da Bu Dai".
I think the only band worse then Eifel 65, is Chumbawumba. Enough said.
But at least now you understand just how bad the gum is. Unless, of course, you are unfortunate enough to like the aforementioned song, in which case you should seek mental help immediately. There is help for you, it comes in the form of a frontal lobotomy. meanwhile, at the diner we all sat there imagining how close the chemical makeup of this gum could be to that of asphalt, and realized that there was more to this gum than met the eye! Yes, a comic! How had we ever forgotten? Perhaps we were daydreaming, lost and reminiscing of our childhood, full of five dollar allowances and five cent candies. More likely it was the instant chemical coma induced by chewing on the flavorless rubber gum. But the comics brought us back to life, and we opened them up and each read them silently to ourselves, with the intention of reading them aloud to each other, and enjoying them together. Welcome to mistake number two.
Two words - Train wreck.
Did you know that there are over 1600 pud cartoons? Did you also know that 0% of those are funny? I think I might firebomb some houses if I could find out who wrote those comics, or maybe I could just send over some poisoned gum on Halloween, for the sheer irony. All jokes aside (Whew the readers say, they were about to call the FBI... wait, we're in Canada...), these comics are the worst attempt at comedy I have ever had the misfortune of reading. If you enjoy pud comics, you need to end your own life. Hopefully you have not yet reproduced.
But they did get me to thinking - why exactly are they so damn awful? Why do I feel like I'm being punched in the soul every time I read a new one? There's lots of comedic material that's even stupider than these, and far more appealing, and there's also plenty of material which isn't quite so stupid and also exponentially more palatable.
After a great deal of research (And by "a great deal of research", I mean eight minutes on Microsoft paint), I have uncovered the reason for the complete worthlessness of pud comics. I have uncovered the funny function. Pud comics occupy the very bottom of the funny function, meaning that they are completely unfunny. The funniness factor of any piece of comic material can be estimated by its intelligence or stupidness factor using the line of best fit, which has been calculated from millions of trials run on objective humor analysis data. Observe.
http://www.geocities.com/spiker4392/FunnyFunction.GIF
The chart does not lie, people. Thousands of scientists and millions of objective tests cannot be wrong. Pud comics are scientifically proven to suck the lowest form of comedic ass.
So, what have we learned today kids? Next time you see a piece of dubble bubble gum, get out your flamethrower (Or optionally, your rocket launcher) and rid the world of its awful existence. If left unchecked, not only will the gum itself invade your face unsolicited, ruining your taste buds forever, but the insidious pud comics you find inside will ruin your life, causing blindness, coma, and in some cases, severe death. Let this be a warning to all those who believe they are brave enough to tempt fate and risk heinous debilitation by accepting a dubble bubble gum - remember that there is a fine line between bravery and stupidity, and please, think of your families. Oh, almost forgot, happy new year!
Spiker
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